You're so vain; you probably think this duct tape's about you.

• If you hold this melted pack of Trader Joe's chocolate bars to your ear, you can hear god saying he has forsaken me.
• Could somebody look up the opposite of "lazy" for me? Thx.
• Dudes who walk and light a cigarette at the same time are such badasses that their badasses should be put in badass rehab for bein' badasses
• I hope you know pickles are my fuckin' life! You got a problem with pickles, you got a problem with me! Grand Theft Pickle
• You have some math in your name, Google+. We're off to bumpy start
• I don't know how I feel about peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Lazy Me's like, “Suh-weet!” Practical Me's like, “Oh, for Fuck sake!”

• Hey, men in sandals: Nope.

  • If you're searching for a new nemesis, email me just a link.
  • Just made a comment about the heat and my shadow gave me the jerk-off motion.
  • Oh cool I didn't like that bumper on my car anyway
  • The best part about being an adult is that now my pillow forts have sex dungeons.
  • I bet that egg in the frying pan is still HIGH AS ALL SWEET MOTHER OF FU%KS right now.
  • If I were dating a bounty hunter I would never tire of saying "case solved" in the paper towel aisle.
  • Just serenaded the office with a Little Mermaid song, so yeah, I'm the fun one.
  • I'm looking to start my own Babysitters Club, but its really just going to be me & a bunch of men in a tree house doing crazy shit!
  • The least stressed-out person in the world is whoever gets paid to spot Prince on bench press.
  • Cooking myself pasta so I can carb up for the 24-hour I'm so incredibly alone marathon tomorrow!!!
  • I feel bad for 3 doors down, I know they're rich and famous but it must suck that they never got to use their original name "stink pile".
  • Any hot guys want to marry me for my money (like 46 dollars)?
  • I wish all our dads would stop making cookies and root beer for everyone and come home already.
  • I wish jiggly arm fat was in style.
  • You never know which of your coworkers is a serial killer until you cozy up by the fire & confess that you, too, have a collection of heads.
  • I wonder if strangers know all the bad names I call them from my car?
  • I assume the phrase "Loose lips sink ships" is about flappy vag whores on boats.
  • If you're having a running kung-fu battle with a lesbian, don't let her lure you in a flannel shirt factory. That's her "room of mirrors".
  • FUN FACT: If you write "man I want to bone her" in a comment on a YouTube video, the woman in the video comes to your house and lets you do whatever.
  •  While we frantically work to solve the budget crisis, a much bigger threat looms. Cats are running out of funny photo poses.
  • They changed our brand of copier paper for the 3rd time this year. I am writing "F this" on every single sheet in protest.
  • it's 2011 for god's sake why do I still have to get out of the bed to pee
  • I have great fondness for the kind of agreement between friends to make plans and then just forget about them.
  • I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

  They should make kids in school watch how much cheese I can eat

• Um, how long has Slash been black?
• Starting a dating site for people that just want someone to turn off the lights after they fall asleep reading.
• Corporations should want marijuana to be legal because then who would remember to fast-forward through their commercials?
• Yeah. Yep. It's hot enough out for me. I don't actually require much heat. In fact, interesting fact about me: FUCK YOU.
• This kid told me I was his favorite and I'm like, “I know.” He goes, “How'd you know?” In what universe am I not everyone's favorite?
• Do you ever catch yourself singing Wonderwall into an ice cream cone? You're not better than me.
• To the boy listening to Destiny's Child in a Mazda Miata: I, like, love you. We can make this work.
• You could fill the state of New Hampshire with the number of people who have no idea I've been in their fridge.
• I joke a lot about murder, but that's only cos I'm comfortable with the idea of ending someone's life if they inconvenience me slightly.
• All I can think about is pizza. I guess my point is: Pizza. What a pizza! Seriously wizard need pizza badly. When's the last time you told pizza how you really feel?
• I will eat at any seafood restaurant that calls itself "Shrimply the Best." 
• So it doesn't go "I'm so fly like a cheese stick?" The song doesn't even make sense anymore!