I almost died trying to brush my teeth with my left hand.
Saw a man with a beard in the shape of a beaver tail today so everythings gonna be all right
Really wanna do a buddy cop film with this quesadilla.
I pretty much plan my weekend around Doritos.
Apparently the iPad 3 has a large, rough tentacle that slowly slides inside your butthole to notify you when the battery falls below 98%.
TECH NEWS: The new iPad3 will be invisible and people will know you have it only if you staple the receipt to your forehead.
Being blind must be a real challenge what with your friends constantly putting weird stuff in front of your face and high fiving each other.
A woman popping her gum really loud totally ran into a glass door like she didn't even see it when I pushed her.
Please leave a message after the entire Howard The Duck soundtrack.
there's a guy here who has a tattoo behind his earlike a tiny dab of perfume that smells like "go away"
I'm tryin to ask this fish out but its bein all koi
I totally support you in criticizing people! Until you criticize me. Then you're just a smug jerk. Don't worry about what I'm doing.
When I'm around a know-it-all they think they're teaching me things but I'm not listening BC I'm fantasizing about a meteor landing on them
Michelle Obama call me I have some ideas I wanna talk to you about. My cell phone number is still the same.
If you have the word "naughty" tattooed on you it probably burns when you pee.
“How about a wet paper towel on a stick?”-invention of the Swiffer
If you see someone wearing a fanny pack, you have to shove them into the nearest body of water. The Constitution says so.
If a guy turns me down I push my cleavage into a Y and arrange my hair into a question mark
Hey pregnant ladies keep taking artistic naked photos of yourselves because I don't think every single male on this planet is gay yet
No one wins with "factory distressed" denim. It distresses the sweatshop worker who has to make them & it distresses me to look at them.
If Donald Trump is carrying a brief case rest assured there's nothing in it but his backup hair.
I have been banned from "Hot yoga" for loudly complaining that I am the only hot person there.
My tombstone is just gonna say "canned chili. All day. Everyday."
A little advice: people don't care for unsolicited advice.
Your time management skills at the self-checkout lane in a grocery store tell me everything I'll ever need to know about you.
If we paid teachers more they'd probably stop dating their students. At this pointa 16 year old working at Quiznos doubles their income.
Calm down people backing into parking spaces.
I love when people drive ten miles under the speed limit like WE'RE NOT INCHING TOWARD THE GRAVE WITH EACH PASSING MINUTE.
I just had an epic meltdown at work. It's not an office pizza party if vegetables are on the pizza. F this place.
My handheld Bejeweled machine is ringing.
I can always tell if someone's eyes are too close together, or too far apart. And I always let them know.
Can't tell if these people in Whole Foods are staring at me because I farted really loud or because I'm not wearing any hemp.
I wish my name rhymed with more things so my friends would sing a song about me when I entered the room instead of flipping me off
I got the best parking spot so now it doesn't matter that I almost ran four people over in my rush to get it.
If you simply imagine that everyone else on the road has much more important stuff to do than you, you'll be just fine.
Paid a call girl to come over and brush my hair. She should be here any minute. I will call her "Cheyenne."
Why would I brush my teeth when I could eat a box of Junior Mints instead?
Almost done spray painting childlike drawings of cats and dragons all over my neighbor's new car for absolutely no reason.