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Saturday, August 25, 2012

My life wasn’t always like this, she whispered to her stuffed penguin.

    • Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
    • Instead of wasting my money on professional highlights, I just clipped bacon strips to my head
    • “let’s do things to make each other mad.” -dating
    • Save money on acupuncture by having your friend shove you into the nearest cactus.
    • Sometimes I put on men’s deodorant and pretend I have a boyfriend
    • Cure everyone of hugs by giving them for too long.
    • You may not know this, but owls have staple removers for feet.
    • This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. It’s doing well. It’s been on Cymbalta for about 6 weeks now.
    • If you shit on the floor & nobody’s home to see you do it, will they still know it was you? (asking for my dog)
    • I eat while standing at the kitchen sink so I can see my reflection in the window & pretend I’m having dinner with a fat friend.
    • I wish the conveyor belts at the grocery store had windows underneath so I could watch the little hamsters who run it.
    • Idea: breast implants filled with self-esteem. All the confidence without the back pain.
    • I’ll judge a book by its cover. I’ll judge it so hard. Then I’ll look inside & if there’s pictures, I’ll judge those too.
    • Robots wont tongue kiss because they’re afraid their faces will rust off & they’ll look ugly in all their FB pics.
    • A moment of silence for all the angels who lost their hair in order for us to eat spaghetti.
    • Stare at your phone throughout the entire 1st date so the other person can imagine the rest of their life with you.
    • Not to brag, but I look super cute in all 4 of my mugshots.
    • You have the right to remain silent. If you say a word, i’ll shoot you in the face with my finger guns. I am serious.
    • You’re sitting in heaven’s waiting room. Someone asks “how’d you die?” Your answer is “Chardonnay enema.”
    • Goodnight everybody. Sweet dreams. Except you. Yeah. You. I hope you wake up with gum in your armpit hair. You know why.

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