My life wasn’t always like this, she whispered to her stuffed penguin.

• • Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
  • Instead of wasting my money on professional highlights, I just clipped bacon strips to my head
  • “let’s do things to make each other mad.” -dating
  • Save money on acupuncture by having your friend shove you into the nearest cactus.
  • Sometimes I put on men’s deodorant and pretend I have a boyfriend
  • Cure everyone of hugs by giving them for too long.
  • You may not know this, but owls have staple removers for feet.
  • This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. It’s doing well. It’s been on Cymbalta for about 6 weeks now.
  • If you shit on the floor & nobody’s home to see you do it, will they still know it was you? (asking for my dog)
  • I eat while standing at the kitchen sink so I can see my reflection in the window & pretend I’m having dinner with a fat friend.
  • I wish the conveyor belts at the grocery store had windows underneath so I could watch the little hamsters who run it.
  • Idea: breast implants filled with self-esteem. All the confidence without the back pain.
  • I’ll judge a book by its cover. I’ll judge it so hard. Then I’ll look inside & if there’s pictures, I’ll judge those too.
  • Robots wont tongue kiss because they’re afraid their faces will rust off & they’ll look ugly in all their FB pics.
  • A moment of silence for all the angels who lost their hair in order for us to eat spaghetti.
  • Stare at your phone throughout the entire 1st date so the other person can imagine the rest of their life with you.
  • Not to brag, but I look super cute in all 4 of my mugshots.
  • You have the right to remain silent. If you say a word, i’ll shoot you in the face with my finger guns. I am serious.
  • You’re sitting in heaven’s waiting room. Someone asks “how’d you die?” Your answer is “Chardonnay enema.”
  • Goodnight everybody. Sweet dreams. Except you. Yeah. You. I hope you wake up with gum in your armpit hair. You know why.