- Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.
- Instead of wasting my money on professional highlights, I just clipped bacon strips to my head
- “let’s do things to make each other mad.” -dating
- Save money on acupuncture by having your friend shove you into the nearest cactus.
- Sometimes I put on men’s deodorant and pretend I have a boyfriend
- Cure everyone of hugs by giving them for too long.
- You may not know this, but owls have staple removers for feet.
- This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. It’s doing well. It’s been on Cymbalta for about 6 weeks now.
- If you shit on the floor & nobody’s home to see you do it, will they still know it was you? (asking for my dog)
- I eat while standing at the kitchen sink so I can see my reflection in the window & pretend I’m having dinner with a fat friend.
- I wish the conveyor belts at the grocery store had windows underneath so I could watch the little hamsters who run it.
- Idea: breast implants filled with self-esteem. All the confidence without the back pain.
- I’ll judge a book by its cover. I’ll judge it so hard. Then I’ll look inside & if there’s pictures, I’ll judge those too.
- Robots wont tongue kiss because they’re afraid their faces will rust off & they’ll look ugly in all their FB pics.
- A moment of silence for all the angels who lost their hair in order for us to eat spaghetti.
- Stare at your phone throughout the entire 1st date so the other person can imagine the rest of their life with you.
- Not to brag, but I look super cute in all 4 of my mugshots.
- You have the right to remain silent. If you say a word, i’ll shoot you in the face with my finger guns. I am serious.
- You’re sitting in heaven’s waiting room. Someone asks “how’d you die?” Your answer is “Chardonnay enema.”
- Goodnight everybody. Sweet dreams. Except you. Yeah. You. I hope you wake up with gum in your armpit hair. You know why.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
My life wasn’t always like this, she whispered to her stuffed penguin.
Posted by Krista at 8:41 PM