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Monday, February 20, 2012

You say tomato, I say they're too expensive.

  • I'd rather do a kerosene keg stand than pick you up at the airport.
  • My shirt says "I can do armpit fart sounds without the use of my other hand" instead of "I'm a catch." Same thing, really.
  • I love it when you do that thing with your mouth where it's closed and no sound comes out.
  • For a reasonable price I'll watch your favorite shows with you and point out people who were on The Wire.
  • Gracious me. That motorist is conducting a particularly aggressive nasal grooming
  • How can I be sure what I'm feeling is wind and not like, you know, a ghost party
  • I'd rather teabag an anthill than pick you up at the airport. 
  • Sorry I missed your call. I was thinking about ovals and I spaced out.
  • Can you microwave a bed
  • Between the hand sensor on the sink and the air hand dryer, I've been washing my hands in this public restroom for 13 days.
  • When people let me into traffic I flip them off instead of waving so they have something to talk about at dinner
  • Remember back when you could give up your first born to a creature named Rumpelstiltskin without having the government all up in your junk?
  • "Take a picture, it'll last longer," the weeping artist begged, as my henchmen loaded the last of her ice sculptures into the van.
  • It would take years--maybe even a lifetime--to train a walrus to say "Barley." But if you did, you would know the sound my body just made.
  • Maybe bears would be nicer to us if we built them a Six Flags.
  • My life isn't so bad. There's probably some people out there that walk back through a stranger's fart because they like it.
  • I'd rather share toothbrushes with my uncle than pick you up at the airport.
  • How about an all-you-can-eat buffet where you never have to stand up and walk because the seats are all motorized scooter chairs?
  • Challenging me to a dance off is a great way to get stabbed while doing a Michael Jackson crotch grab.
  • I fight crime by watching the news and shaking my head in slow disbelief whenever I hear anything that's crime-related.
  • So if I eat spaghetti on a plate it's acceptable but if it's in a bucket I'm out of control maybe you're out of control
  • 5th worst thing about bein a recluse is no one gets to see me reenact scary ANNIE scenes I play Ms. Hannigan & coffee cups play the orphans :(

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