Only 23 more knife-sharpening days until Valentines day!!

• Now that  I'm almost 40 I guess it's time I stop running around using my towel as a cape and just dry myself :(
• The only thing stopping you from driving a car into a bunch of people waiting for a bus is you, so stop making excuses and just get it done.
• Honestly, now that I'm almost 40 I kinda get where Joan Crawford was coming from. I don't enjoy wire hangers either.
• There should be a Hershey Kiss dispenser by toilets in case your blood sugar drops while you're playing on your phone.
• It's not easy bein a nonconformist people get mad when I pour coffee on them at Starbucks instead of drinking it I'm like BUT THIS IS WHO I AM
• Like most people, I have a healthy fear of laser beams.
• I just wish Facebook would try to fit more information into my eyeballs all at once.
• Super skinny girl running in the rain, I'm sorry for your childhood.
• My remote just fell out of my bed so this is pretty much my suicide note.
• Frankly I'd be surprised if you cut me and cheese DIDN'T come out.
• It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with.
• Would it kill my boss to pay me 10 times my salary?
• If your name is Carlos I will assume there are two of you. WHERE'S THE OTHER CARLO? Then we'd laugh and laugh, but seriously where is he?
• So embarrassing when your trapper keeper doesn't match your bangs and whoa what the hell was that I've been in this Claire's too long.
• People are too negative. Nobody ever says "to make matters sparkle" or "to make matters tasty" or "to make matters just go away".
• You don't hear much about the Teletubbies, ever since they burst out of their chrysalises as 13ft tall multi-donged insatiable sex-monsters.
• I'm really good at math, but there is no fraction that I can use to describe how much less than half-assed I'm going to do my job today.
• If you really want to be a hero, wear a cape made of grilled cheese sandwiches
• If you're not angry, you're not paying attention. Or maybe you are paying attention and you're just not a big grumpy baby.