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Monday, February 20, 2012

Only 23 more knife-sharpening days until Valentines day!!

  • Now that  I'm almost 40 I guess it's time I stop running around using my towel as a cape and just dry myself :(
  • The only thing stopping you from driving a car into a bunch of people waiting for a bus is you, so stop making excuses and just get it done.
  • Honestly, now that I'm almost 40 I kinda get where Joan Crawford was coming from. I don't enjoy wire hangers either.
  • There should be a Hershey Kiss dispenser by toilets in case your blood sugar drops while you're playing on your phone.
  • It's not easy bein a nonconformist people get mad when I pour coffee on them at Starbucks instead of drinking it I'm like BUT THIS IS WHO I AM
  • Like most people, I have a healthy fear of laser beams.
  • I just wish Facebook would try to fit more information into my eyeballs all at once.
  • Super skinny girl running in the rain, I'm sorry for your childhood.
  • My remote just fell out of my bed so this is pretty much my suicide note.
  • Frankly I'd be surprised if you cut me and cheese DIDN'T come out.
  • It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with.
  • Would it kill my boss to pay me 10 times my salary?
  • If your name is Carlos I will assume there are two of you. WHERE'S THE OTHER CARLO? Then we'd laugh and laugh, but seriously where is he?
  • So embarrassing when your trapper keeper doesn't match your bangs and whoa what the hell was that I've been in this Claire's too long.
  • People are too negative. Nobody ever says "to make matters sparkle" or "to make matters tasty" or "to make matters just go away".
  • You don't hear much about the Teletubbies, ever since they burst out of their chrysalises as 13ft tall multi-donged insatiable sex-monsters.
  • I'm really good at math, but there is no fraction that I can use to describe how much less than half-assed I'm going to do my job today.
  • If you really want to be a hero, wear a cape made of grilled cheese sandwiches
  • If you're not angry, you're not paying attention. Or maybe you are paying attention and you're just not a big grumpy baby.

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