Does this confidence problem make me look fat

1. I don't know if it's "a" ukulele or "an" ukulele so I stick with faggy baby guitar.
2. Julie Andrews and I share exactly 0 favorite things.
3. My dog wants to go out. GET IN LINE, DOG
4. The worst thing you could ever do to me is use my name in a sentence.
5. A friend of mine does yoga everyday for an hour. That's one whole hour out of her day that she's not telling everyone how she does yoga.
6. Can I borrow a million bucks?
7. Today I learned two things: 1) Some mothers need to chillax. 2) The soft spot on a baby’s head is not an off button.
8. Lil Wayne dresses like a donkey piñata jizzed all over him.
9. If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.
10. How do I enter income from bank robberies on my form 1040-EZ? H&R Block hung up on me.
11. I don't know who they named the "Lazy Susan" after, but she feels like a relative.
12. You should never describe a baby as "Benjamin Button-y" parents get super pissed.
13. Making a noose out of string cheese. Also, eating the noose.
14. If you scramble the letters in Courtney Love's name she still smells like formaldehyde.
15. If you're going to hunker, down is the way to go.
16. Don't try to kill an annoying Walmart customer with a sword because they'll just regenerate like some kind of mayonnaise T-1000.
17. I go to the hardware store & ask for a T-Watt bulb. When they ask "Whats a T-Watt?" I say "YOUR MOM!" I knock over some brooms & run away
18. Dropping your remote under the couch and trying to get it is the equivalent of a 2-hr workout. (Let me have this.)