yep

•  I hope I'm lucky enough to die peacefully in my sleep after I'm murdered.
• Seems like a life-coach's first job should be to coach himself to get a better job than life-coach
• Hey scary movies, lets save your terrifying trailers for daylight hours. Forever yours Krista McScaredycat
• Sounds like it's raining, but it could also be dozens of hobos peeing on my home. Either way, very soothing.
• Don't be one of those people who sit next to me. I beg you.
• Which month is Small Breast Awareness Month?
• Sliced my lip open flossing. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. You guys use swords to floss your teeth right?
• Dads like to run out and get shit.
• Don't burn any bridges until all of your co-workers are on it.
• Banks are super effective at helping me save money because they keep me from having to pay for Dum-Dums.
• Hard to care about any company that's not paying me to search the Internet all day for pictures of cats wearing wigs.
• Your faux hawk told me you have every season of 'Entourage' on DVD.
• What's the proper etiquette for slitting your wrists at parties?
• Oh, sorry. I thought depantsing you would liven things up around here, this wedding ceremony is boring.
• Every girl would also be crazy about a sharp dressed lamb. With a little tuxedo shirt and mini fedora, damn!
• If someone drops their phone around you, make sure you make the ugliest face possible to show your sympathy.
• If you own a big home and someone tells you to go big or go home, you get trapped in a paradox forever and can't even die. I'm serious.
• If you're a marginally attractive white chick in your 20s and you want to murder someone, this might be the year to do it.
• This morning I woke up like a person in a coffin- I was on my back with my arms crossed across my chest and I was in a coffin.