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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

People are killing themselves with delicious things!

  • Don't say anything to pizza because it'll probably deny it, but we're way more than friends.
  • I wish there was some way I could feel like I did something today without doing anything today.
  • I could really go for 18,000 chocolates right now.
  • I don't like who I become when I have to hold my jacket longer than five minutes.
  • "Oh, just stick everything up my butt for safe keeping." - Mr. Potato Head.
  • I hope I don't meet anyone else who says "rats!" these murders are getting hard to cover up
  • Hey wall street if people with no arms or legs can get by every day can we stop hearing you calling every little loss a crisis THX
  • I'd rather think about things than do them. It's like BOOM- you think about it- it's in your head. Pretend you did it. Same difference.
  • Hell is probably an endless loop of taking people to the airport and helping them move.
  • Would a couple of you come over and watch Children of the Corn with me? Don't bring corn. Or children.
  • 14 minutes in and I'm terrified. WHY IS HE WALKING IN THE CORN?
  • I'm betting these corn children were homeschooled.
  • Ok so apparently babies can't make bacon. At least not without a lot of screaming and what appears to be a grease fire.
  • Someone I know lives in Ohio. Let's cover it in a giant dome and fill it with farts - it'll be funny.
  • Knock on wood, but I've never been stabbed with a swordfish while waiting in line at Target.
  • If you imagine Katy Perry literally strapping babies to fireworks and shooting them off that song isn't so bad.
  • I bet Lady Gaga's sweatpants are made out of baby diapers and shoe laces.
  • When your ass finally fuses to the sofa people will be all "sweet sofa ass, bro" and you can be all "thanks, I earned it!"

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