People are killing themselves with delicious things!

• Don't say anything to pizza because it'll probably deny it, but we're way more than friends.
• I wish there was some way I could feel like I did something today without doing anything today.
• I could really go for 18,000 chocolates right now.
• I don't like who I become when I have to hold my jacket longer than five minutes.
• "Oh, just stick everything up my butt for safe keeping." - Mr. Potato Head.
• I hope I don't meet anyone else who says "rats!" these murders are getting hard to cover up
• Hey wall street if people with no arms or legs can get by every day can we stop hearing you calling every little loss a crisis THX
• I'd rather think about things than do them. It's like BOOM- you think about it- it's in your head. Pretend you did it. Same difference.
• Hell is probably an endless loop of taking people to the airport and helping them move.
• Would a couple of you come over and watch Children of the Corn with me? Don't bring corn. Or children.
• 14 minutes in and I'm terrified. WHY IS HE WALKING IN THE CORN?
• I'm betting these corn children were homeschooled.
• Ok so apparently babies can't make bacon. At least not without a lot of screaming and what appears to be a grease fire.
• Someone I know lives in Ohio. Let's cover it in a giant dome and fill it with farts - it'll be funny.
• Knock on wood, but I've never been stabbed with a swordfish while waiting in line at Target.
• If you imagine Katy Perry literally strapping babies to fireworks and shooting them off that song isn't so bad.
• I bet Lady Gaga's sweatpants are made out of baby diapers and shoe laces.
• When your ass finally fuses to the sofa people will be all "sweet sofa ass, bro" and you can be all "thanks, I earned it!"