No thanks, guys who say "yummy"

•  If I ask for a Coke and the waiter asks "Pepsi okay?," I like to answer through clenched teeth, "I am NOT going to fight with you right now
• If I don't make it, tell the world my story (The Terminator + Casino Royale + Garfield).
• When something gets tangled I just pick it up and try to shake it loose. This is the extent of my problem-solving skills.
• Fridge disguised as kitchen cabinet, I accept your challenge.
• I was the inspiration behind Sade's 'Smooth Operator.'
• I can quit eating fistfuls of Circus Peanuts anytime I want. I'm just having a lot of fun with my fistful of Circus Peanut eating right now.
• For a reasonable price I'll throw an octopus at your ex-friend.
• How I haven't been serial killed yet is beyond me!
• Any food can be made better by eating pizza instead.
• I feel like if the squirrel in the backyard would just let me hug him once, he'd be hooked and we'd be total hug buddies.
• A spider built its web on my car. Now I feel extra responsible to go somewhere interesting.
• You say "tomato", I say "flamingo". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
• Wall St. Can't be that bad? I mean, all you do is snort cocaine and yell at some tickers with a Starbucks in hand.
• I'm scared of the world. Buy me expensive things.
• I think "Bruce" is my favorite name that reminds me of a gross, thick soup.
• Check the rules of your gym, but I'm pretty sure you're allowed to wear a ham cape if you'd like.
• If you don't think a spiderweb covered in raindrops is beautiful, give me your eyeballs -I'll throw them away. Sorry, it has to be this way.
• Just found out there are other people named Krista. Wait until my parents hear about this.
• It's not "breaking and entering" because I used a lockpick. And it sure as hell wasn't assault because I used a Chloroform napkin. Sheesh.
• You're not really lying to a person if you answer them in dolphin noises.
• People who delight me: -black dudes who say "damn girl" when they see my butt -white girls with "F it!" magenta hair -giggly Asian tweens
• Dogs, if you lick my hand, I'm gonna grab your tongue. That's just how it is.