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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

No thanks, guys who say "yummy"

  •  If I ask for a Coke and the waiter asks "Pepsi okay?," I like to answer through clenched teeth, "I am NOT going to fight with you right now
  • If I don't make it, tell the world my story (The Terminator + Casino Royale + Garfield).
  • When something gets tangled I just pick it up and try to shake it loose. This is the extent of my problem-solving skills.
  • Fridge disguised as kitchen cabinet, I accept your challenge.
  • I was the inspiration behind Sade's 'Smooth Operator.'
  • I can quit eating fistfuls of Circus Peanuts anytime I want. I'm just having a lot of fun with my fistful of Circus Peanut eating right now.
  • For a reasonable price I'll throw an octopus at your ex-friend.
  • How I haven't been serial killed yet is beyond me!
  • Any food can be made better by eating pizza instead.
  • I feel like if the squirrel in the backyard would just let me hug him once, he'd be hooked and we'd be total hug buddies.
  • A spider built its web on my car. Now I feel extra responsible to go somewhere interesting.
  • You say "tomato", I say "flamingo". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
  • Wall St. Can't be that bad? I mean, all you do is snort cocaine and yell at some tickers with a Starbucks in hand.
  • I'm scared of the world. Buy me expensive things.
  • I think "Bruce" is my favorite name that reminds me of a gross, thick soup.
  • Check the rules of your gym, but I'm pretty sure you're allowed to wear a ham cape if you'd like.
  • If you don't think a spiderweb covered in raindrops is beautiful, give me your eyeballs -I'll throw them away. Sorry, it has to be this way.
  • Just found out there are other people named Krista. Wait until my parents hear about this.
  • It's not "breaking and entering" because I used a lockpick. And it sure as hell wasn't assault because I used a Chloroform napkin. Sheesh.
  • You're not really lying to a person if you answer them in dolphin noises.
  • People who delight me: -black dudes who say "damn girl" when they see my butt -white girls with "F it!" magenta hair -giggly Asian tweens
  • Dogs, if you lick my hand, I'm gonna grab your tongue. That's just how it is.

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