- I had a horrible nightmare last night that you stood there and recalled every last detail you could think of from a strange dream you had.
- 2012 will be the year my cats clean up MY poop.
- You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore
- If you can’t find your skateboard, you can always scoot around town on one of those wiener dogs.
- When I want to hang up on someone, I scream like I’m being stabbed to death, then hang up. That way they think I was murdered, not rude
- My dream is to someday record a rebuttal to Madonna's 'Causing A Commotion' with the lyrics "I've got no pants on, you wear the balaclava".
- There should be a special lane for drivers who are getting donuts. And another special lane for drivers who have donuts.
- I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.
- I truly relate to kidnappers anytime I'm in the vicinity of a cute dog.
- People watching would be more fun if people all of a sudden turned into snakes and mice and then the snakes would strangle and eat the mice
- If you hear someone say they're having a "quarter-life crisis", you're allowed to punch them repeatedly until they decide it's over.
- I think I could handle being homeless as long as I could do it inside.
- I just made eye contact with a dog in a car. We *get* each other
- I just used an organic weed killer, if anyone's wondering why I look so smug and why my weeds are thriving
- Life would be way easier if you all conformed to how I want you to think. Nothing will get done, but I'll feel comfortable.
- WANTED: Ugly friend to stand next to me in pictures. Must have valid drivers license to take me to the mall & be my DD. No fattiest
- Eat a doughnut? No thanks, those are SUPER fattening. I'll just eat these 27 doughnut-holes instead.
- Your argument would be more convincing if it were covered in melted cheese.
- The time between Christmas and New Year's makes me uneasy. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Yeah, hi. I'd like to speak to your next available representative.
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