Yeah, hi. I'd like to speak to your next available representative.

1. I had a horrible nightmare last night that you stood there and recalled every last detail you could think of from a strange dream you had.
2. 2012 will be the year my cats clean up MY poop.
3. You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore
4. If you can’t find your skateboard, you can always scoot around town on one of those wiener dogs.
5. When I want to hang up on someone, I scream like I’m being stabbed to death, then hang up. That way they think I was murdered, not rude
6. My dream is to someday record a rebuttal to Madonna's 'Causing A Commotion' with the lyrics "I've got no pants on, you wear the balaclava".
7. There should be a special lane for drivers who are getting donuts. And another special lane for drivers who have donuts.
8. I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.
9. I truly relate to kidnappers anytime I'm in the vicinity of a cute dog.
10. People watching would be more fun if people all of a sudden turned into snakes and mice and then the snakes would strangle and eat the mice
11. If you hear someone say they're having a "quarter-life crisis", you're allowed to punch them repeatedly until they decide it's over.
12. I think I could handle being homeless as long as I could do it inside.
13. I just made eye contact with a dog in a car. We *get* each other
14. I just used an organic weed killer, if anyone's wondering why I look so smug and why my weeds are thriving
15. Life would be way easier if you all conformed to how I want you to think. Nothing will get done, but I'll feel comfortable.
16. WANTED: Ugly friend to stand next to me in pictures. Must have valid drivers license to take me to the mall & be my DD. No fattiest
17. Eat a doughnut? No thanks, those are SUPER fattening. I'll just eat these 27 doughnut-holes instead.
18. Your argument would be more convincing if it were covered in melted cheese.
19. The time between Christmas and New Year's makes me uneasy. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW?