Call an ambulance I just beat the shit out of the dance floor.

1. Some people are energized by new challenges. I usually just start thinking about how soft my pillow is.
2. A big problem with going the extra mile is the initial mile.
3. I BOUGHT A CABLE KNIT SWEATER JUST FOR TONIGHT BUT DON'T MENTION IT, NO WORRIES, LETS TALK ABOUT DESSERT SOME MORE
4. Stop acting so damn mature, people younger than me.
5. Where I grew up, a smiley face burnt into your arm with a disposable BIC lighter was regarded as some pretty decent tattoo artwork.
6. Guys, you're not SUPPOSED to fold fitted sheets. That's why they're so flammable.
7. Don't even think about just Emailing me a question in the subject line.
8. People with bad plastic surgery: I always grimace horribly immediately after passing you.
9. I'm only happy when the waiter makes eye contact with someone else while giving the specials.
10. The closest I get to meditation is the brief moment when I sit in my car after I've turned the engine off.
11. You guys realize we can still make forts in our living room, right? Only now, we can fill them with alcohol. You're welcome.
12. Telling someone they smell better than a new He-Man action figure is the nicest compliment you can give.
13. IT's' weird how I'll have grandkids someday and will still be drawing naked people on dirty cars with my finger.
14.  I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work!
15. Why don't frogs just eat normal things like mashed potatoes?
16. I'm getting some neck and throat tattoos just to let people know that I have no interest in being anyone's Emergency Contact.