I always hit child's lock before I fart in the car

1. no thanks my imagination already knows what the sepia tone photo you took of a windmill looks like and it doesn't care.
2. You wouldn't believe how flammable other people's Christmas lists are.
3. If you think about it, the more appropriate question is: who poops with clothes on?
4. By all means, please, chew gum, I was just thinking how I miss the sound of you eating with your mouth open.
5. If you unmask The Hamburglar it's Jared from Subway.
6. Trailer Park Gift Idea: Soccer Shin Guards (take tops off and cut bottoms out of two Pringles cans)
7. Trailer Park Gift Ideas: Skis (two expired license plates and some duct tape).
8. Trailer Park Gift Idea: Dental Appointment (box of Chiclets and superglue)
9. Trailer Park Gift Idea: Shaving Cream (leftover Cool Whip)
10. Trailer Park Gift Idea: Breast Enlargement (duct-tape and a couple Capri Suns).
11. Trailer Park Gift Idea: Harry Potter Wand (unbroken chopsticks from Panda Express)
12. HEY GUESS HOW MUCH EVERYONE ELSE ON FACEBOOK CARES ABOUT THE GIFT YOUR BOYFRIEND GAVE YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?!
13. Late Edition (my TV pilot spin-off of Early Edition), where yesterday's paper shows up today, did not receive the reception I had hoped.
14. Pretty whacky how all these people at the DMV know so much about driving and nothing about English!
15. It's illegal to text and drive but go ahead and burrow your head in that McDonalds bag on the steering wheel.
16. You've probably seen Tom Cruise in Legend, but have you seen Tom Cruise in Legend while eating grilled cheese?! Totally different movie.
17. Dear Santa, despite yearly requests, there is still no subway that runs from my bedroom to Chili's. - Krista, P.S. The cookies are poisonous.