When one door closes, another sucks donkey balls.

• People saying I'm crazy reading software license agreements will feel dumb when they authorize Philip Seymour Hoffman to spoon them at night
• Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
• For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
• Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
• Name your son Lance and let the crime spree begin.
• Hopefully no one's life ever depends on me writing a mailing address perfectly centered on the envelope.
• Ghosts see our most embarrassing moments like when we're in the bathroom eating cookies.
•  Sometimes I leave my oven on full blast while I'm at work just to keep my couches on their toes.
• I want my Halloween costume to be super creepy so I'm dressing up like your girlfriend I love you
• Promise you'll never show a leopard all the shitty things we've put their print on.
• My favorite part about people using canvas tote bags is imagining them eventually purchasing plastic bags to line their bathroom trash cans.
• Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
• Hey vegetarian dudes you smell like poor life decisions eat some goddamn chicken and maybe your shitty ponytail will grow even longer
• Jeopardy is so retarded. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean mentally challenging.
• Maybe I can't teach my kids how to fix a car or build an addition on a house, but the helicopter impression into a microphone? …All me.