Way to disappoint me, things that aren't cheese.

• If you eat Angel's Food Cake and Devil's Food Cake at the same time, the battle between good and evil gives you diarrhea.
• I wish Confucius was still around so I could ask him my many questions of the universe. Like is it "Pets Mart" or "Pet Smart"?!
• My RSVP to every party is “I think I'm busy but tell me a little bit more about it”.
• "Hey, jump on my back and together we'll find the stomachs of some real weirdos!" -pizza, to pineapple
• Apparently complaining about having a stiff neck while visiting someone on their deathbed is frowned upon. It's like, REALLY stiff though.
• I'm the friend who backs you up during a confrontation by shouting "Aww, DAAAAMMNN" after your clever retorts.
• I could never be an R&B singer cause When I get that feelin, I mostly just want a grilled cheese sandwich.
• Hey everyone, if you're thinking about opening a fried chicken restaurant I've got 49 different name ideas for sale! Offer void in Kentucky.
• I hope my obituary leaves out all those times I refused to put my grocery cart in the cart corral.
• My favorite drinking game is that one where you drink every time you have access to booze.
• Every week I buy healthy fruits & vegetables and every week I throw out spoiled fruits & vegetables because I like steak.
• Growing up poor sounds hard, Grandma, but at least you didn't have the stress of trying to take a decent ass pic for your Internet boyfriend
• I think the best evidence that marijuana has been used for centuries is the fact that someone decided to see if they could eat an artichoke.
• You haven't really lived until you've slowly unpeeled a tube of biscuits 2" from your eyes.
• Open apology to that guy I beat with my Nerf ax last night while screaming "IT'S LUMBER TIME." Call me?
• Is it bad if my reason for not working out today is "too much caramel on hands"?
• My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
• As I get older my tastes are changing for instance I used to not like peas but now I don't like people