"Not to be a bitch" me when I am being a bitch.

• If you can decipher the words in a metal song, you're not drinking enough wolf's milk.
• The #1 way to avoid divorce is to make sure that every day you write "PLEASE DON'T DIVORCE ME!" on your partner's food in ketchup.
• I was going to go for a run this morning but it's too cold to pretend to do stuff.
• Just wanted to send a big JESUS CHRIST CALM DOWN to all the dudes dripping in fashion scarves today.
• I want to sell my car so that I never have to work again for a couple of days.
• In a pinch, your co-worker's trash can/desk drawer/butthole/face makes a nice ashtray
• Why is there always no parking signs in the most amazing parking spots?
• Clothes just agree to go with each other without asking questions. They're so dumb.
• One day I want to walk into a bank and yell, "Everybody get down!" then give an award to the best dancer
• I just hope there's enough hair in my shower drain for making all my holiday gifts.
• Turns out, "Definitely not still working here!" is not a great answer to: "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"
• The loudest guy at happy hour cries the most when he gets home.
• Sometimes, kicking a person in the face is the only valid reaction.
• I'd be a force to be reckoned with in a National Sighing Championship.
• I feel sorry for the first person who was accidentally electrocuted in the bathtub. They just wanted some delicious bath-toast.
• Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.
• My therapist ends each session by saying: "Now go eat a big bowl of ice cream." (I'm my therapist.)
• For a guy who's obsessed with public safety, I think Batman drives a little too fast sometimes.