Trying to remember what I had for lunch yesterday is my sudoku.

• Almost hit a biker while I was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes
• Thinking about adding "Don't Google me" to my business cards.
• All any parent really wants is a grandchild to drive their child batshit insane for about 18 years.
• Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
• An old man cut me in line at the gas station. I just smiled at him. This is probably what robots experience when they start to feel feelings
• Man this paper shredder is great for getting rid of papers you don't want anymore do they make these for people
• I still cry every day because of what Milli Vanilli did to us.
• The only thing I've eaten today is a handful of Junior Mints. Now I know how Africa feels. 
• There's a little child in the office, rapping, & now nobody's talking about my haircut anymore :(
• I don't know if I'd call it dinner with my dad as much as I'd refer to it as watching my father try to get with every waitress under 25.
• Age is just a number that lets people know how gross you're getting.
• I'd take a bullet for a friend. (Unless they ask me to see them in a play; then our relationship abruptly goes up in flames)
• "Get your donkey out of my backyard!" - something I hope to hear someday because I want both a donkey and a grumpy neighbor. Life is short.
• How many parking tickets you think the average butt can hold?
• • Almost hit a biker while I was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes
  • Thinking about adding "Don't Google me" to my business cards.
  • All any parent really wants is a grandchild to drive their child batshit insane for about 18 years.
  • Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
  • An old man cut me in line at the gas station. I just smiled at him. This is probably what robots experience when they start to feel feelings
  • Man this paper shredder is great for getting rid of papers you don't want anymore do they make these for people
  • I still cry every day because of what Milli Vanilli did to us.
  • The only thing I've eaten today is a handful of Junior Mints. Now I know how Africa feels. 
  • There's a little child in the office, rapping, & now nobody's talking about my haircut anymore :(
  • I don't know if I'd call it dinner with my dad as much as I'd refer to it as watching my father try to get with every waitress under 25.
  • Age is just a number that lets people know how gross you're getting.
  • I'd take a bullet for a friend. (Unless they ask me to see them in a play; then our relationship abruptly goes up in flames)
  • "Get your donkey out of my backyard!" - something I hope to hear someday because I want both a donkey and a grumpy neighbor. Life is short.
  • How many parking tickets you think the average butt can hold?
  • • I heard that if you get caught screaming like a crazy person at the bank I'm allowed to take all your money. That's just what I heard.
    • The more exclamation points you use the worse I assume you are in bed
    • Sorry I never read that book you read in high school I must've been sick on fag day
    • I shit in a backpack ONE TIME and now all of a sudden I'm banned from Target!
    • Oops! Instead of saying "Goodnight" to my boss, I just leaned in & whispered "I'm gonna murder you."
    • Pretty sure these farts are my fault.
    • Convertibles would be even MORE awesome with some kind of permanent top to protect you from the elements. Imagine the luxury!
    • Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
    • Does the staff meeting have monkeys riding wolverines? No? Sorry I'm busy that day.
    • This kid keeps staring at me with these beady little eyes which immediately makes me regret super-gluing all those beads to his eyes.
    • This guy is so hot that I feel like a sex offender just talking to him about how I'm required by law to inform him that I'm a sex offender.
    • Single women over 30, please keep applying your makeup with a makeup cannon. It's totally working.
    • Oh my god sweatpants aren't supposed to be tight lady in Target
    • "THAT'S IT! Honey, get me my giraffe net." —My Perfect Husband
    • I've been doing my self-portrait and so far I have 4 paintings of 31 people I've never met.
    • I'm just trying to be the best insignificant speck in the grand scheme of the universe I can be.
    • I hate when someone accuses me of dressing like them or when the clothes they wear don't come in my size.
    • Your sweatpants are just waiting in your drawer, crossing off days on their calendar.

    • Tuesday is a vacant stare in a crowded room.

      • I can't tell if my friend is having a stroke or reading an Ikea catalog out loud
      • An unknown person has placed a sandwich in the office fridge and called it "Marie". It doesn't look like a "Marie".
      • Stoners should be disappointed by chicken pot pie BUT THEY NEVER ARE what's up with that Mr. Pie why are you so delicious no you stop it
      • I wish there was an emoticon to illustrate my mind running buck wild.
      • I just ate some white cheddar popcorn if anyone wants to smell my breath or just lick the inside of my mouth.
      • My friends don't like me now that I'm sober. Maybe it's because I told them "I can only be around you when I'm drunk, otherwise it's awful"
      • I have so much to do tomorrow. Way more than anyone else ever. Oh you have a lot to do? Prob a tiny amount compared to me. Sorry. I win.
      • Every once in a while, a stubborn candy wrapper gets eaten.
      • I feel like Ms. Pacman gives women an unrealistic body image.
      • I want attention, but not TOO much attention. Please pay medium attention to me.
      • I've never had an addiction, but I'm pretty sure if someone made me stop rubbing my dog's ears on my face, I'd die or something.
      • What's the legal limit on how many times you can pee in one day?
      • I BOUGHT A PLANT YESTERDAY AND I THINK THIS PLANT LOVES ME BUT HOW CAN YOU TELL IF IT HAS FEELINGS I DON'T KNOW
      • I'm starting to think nothing I do will ever warrant a press conference.
      • "Please try to park in a way that doesn't suck" - if you found this note on your windshield, I forgot to write "AND PLEASE DON'T PROCREATE"
      • I wish more pedestrians were made of chocolate AND it was legal to bite people.
      • Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.
      • It's so hard when your favorite thing ever is just lying there and crying but your least favorite thing is tears getting into your ears.