My crotch is really just a high maintenance cup holder.

•   At my first yoga class and I'm already super excited because everyone has a nap mat
• Getting my hair tangled in a round brush is probably what the holocaust felt like.
• "Just poke that lion in the rectum with this stick and film it. BOOM! That's our logo." --MGM
• This packaging wants me to tear along the dotted line. Well, it can go tell its master I've built up an immunity to such trickery.
• Congratulations to all my Facebook friends for cooking breakfast!!!! Good job!!!
• Does anyone know if there is an over-the-counter sleeping pill strong enough to fight thinking about whether or not dogs have accents?
• Hey Grumpy People, make sure your face looks super grumpy so that everyone knows you're grumpy.
• I relate with Native Americans the most when I'm trying to hear my downstairs neighbors argue.
• Never learned how to do an oil change, but I can build you a castle out of deli meats.
• If Karaoke Battle USA isn't a show about drunk white chicks competitively scream-whining 80s power ballads, I'm moving to Norway.
• If your posture's too good all the time, we know you're capable of murder.
• My GPS only gives directions to discrete ATMs after 4 am and I think its enabling me to be weird.
• Chef Boyardee must get pretty tired of shitting in all those cans.
• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, you're probably wearing a flesh-colored shirt.
• There's not a little guy inside the vending machine fetching my sodas? How long have you guys known about this?
• Ever pull your hood over your face & feel your face with the hood on it? It's weird. But not as weird as your face! Keep that shit covered.
• I'm going to patent my exercise program. It's like P90X except all you do is sit at Starbucks and undress people with your eyes.
• Everything slows down when I have to make that naked walk to the blinds I forgot to close.
• It's too early in the evening for my kids to be "sick and tired" of hearing me rap on my karaoke machine.
• Jealous of all my feral friends. Their wolf parents let them do anything they want.
• Wanna test the limits of a person's sanity? Say "even by your standards" after complementing them. Then, walk away and look really busy.
• For comfort while sleeping have a shot of fabric softener before going to bed