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Saturday, February 25, 2012

In a perfect world a "Party Pooper" would be someone who could shoot confetti out of their butt.

  • Someday, I am gonna go all Hannibal Lecter on a jackwad yelling into his cell phone in a coffee shop.
  • Don't tell hungry people that one time I made too much spaghetti and then just wore the rest as a wig.
  • Cashier at the book store told me to "take it easy" so I stabbed her in the neck with my keys because nobody tells me how to live my life.
  • I call it "quiet time" yet you insist on referring to it as "being buried alive".
  • Shave your head, then put on a tiny hat, then conceal the aforementioned tiny hat with a wig made from your own hair. It's your life.
  • Will a great stylist please come over & give me a haircut for $10? I DO NOT want to drive to your location AND pay $85, doesn't make sense.
  • No one will EVER love you as much as I do, Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins.
  • A new study found kids who watch SpongeBob SquarePants have shorter attention something-or-others blah blah I want coffee.
  • It says a lot about my personality that I feel comfortable passing judgement on co-workers while having food stains on my shirt all day.
  • Tried to unlock my door with a banana. How am I still alive?
  • If you're not good at something right away, keep practicing. Or kill yourself because practice is boring and your dreams are stupid anyway.
  • I have a friend that brings out the worst in me, the only solution is to murder her. I know!!! I know!!
    •  My dream movie is a Gilmore Girls feature film with me playing all the characters.
    • "As a bear, I'm not required to wear clothing, but F it; I'll put on this t-shirt." - Winnie the Pooh
    • Do they make a lint roller for the inside of your body? I messed up.
    • I hope this zebra stripe swim cap goes with my complete lack of dignity.
    • Most of my frowns are inspired by yogurt commercials.
    • What did we even do before sign spinners?
    • I just want to make sure everyone knows that I wish I walked down the aisle to That's My Bitch. 
    • According to the contents of this long-forgotten Tupperware in the back of my fridge, I am an excellent mad scientist.
    • I'm about to watch Paranormal Activity 2 so nobody make any sudden movements for 90 min or I'm apt to knife you.
    • The reason I'm a people person? I love mixing red and blue together. No, I think YOU misunderstood the question. -all my job interviews
    • "Pfffft." - squirrel watching Spiderman for the first time
    • I've been pronouncing 'Hospice' this whole time as if it were the deodorant for prostitutes
    • Did you know if you play a Taylor Swift album backwards during The Wizard of Oz it still sounds like bullshit?
    • My Iphone is secretly just a rock I carry around and being able to talk to Keanu Reeves is the only app it has.
    • If I were a fish, I'd befriend a whale so I could hitch rides and talk shit to everyone.
    • My friends would say "they never knew what love was till they had kids" & I honestly didn't get it till I discovered watermelon juice.
    • Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.
    • Let's be honest. They're windshield wipers for about a week, then they're just smudgers.
    • Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.
    • You should never use the word "nutsacky" when describing how a newborn baby feels.
    • Not to brag but my bills are pretty outstanding.
      •  If you don't put pepper in your Yoplait so you can sneeze yogurt all over people at the mall you're a much better person than me.
      • "That toot you pooted sure sounded like a fart" -ME, BEING AMAZING.
      • Determined zombies wouldn't let a brain fart keep them from a hearty meal
      • This Weight Watchers book says to see how many pieces of cheese I can fit on this pile of white bread. Books say anything if you have a pen.
      • Watching "Clue". My favorite ending is the one where Ms. May is in the bedroom with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
      • Introducing a Recession-Era line of scented candles: Tire Fire, Cigarette Burn, Shitty Present to Give Your Secretary as Severance, Vanilla.
      • If I inherited a fortune I'd blow it all on puppies and sequined anything.
      • "Trimming your bangs isn't hard. It won't be like those other times. You can do this, gorgeous." -- Me. I shouldn't be left alone.
      • I'm not saying that my neighbors are nosy. I'm just saying maybe they shouldn't be so concerned about what I'm doing in their fridge..
      • If I was invisible, I'd probably set aside two days every month to make Hilary Swank pull fire alarms & touch strangers inappropriately.

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