Steal a baby! They'll never know.

•  Dear people celebrating 6 month "anniversaries": Congratulations on being 14 and/or retarded.
• I'm always just a pair of pants and underwear away from getting arrested.
• I didn't like you anyway, affording stuff!!!
• Muffins find me very seductive.
• Nice call on the "legalize it" bumper sticker, guy who forgot police exist.
• Memories are like blood stains- they're hard to get rid of, especially memories of blood stains.
• How has no one asked me to be the face of hummus? I AM HUMMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• People don't like my jokes about white people, thought they would work considering I’m .0001 Indian
• "You can do it! And if you can't, no big deal, take a nap or something!" - Me, as a motivational speaker.
• My "pay bills while drinking vodka and texting friends pants" are super comfortable. No clue while they're called "yoga pants".
• I don't think I have ever made a plan that I didn't secretly wish would get canceled.
• If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'm going to tell you to Google it and act like you're the stupid one.
• Ranch on everything seems like a good idea until your curtains are f'd up and your couch smells all gross. Maybe just use it for food.
• When I was a child I wrote a poem about Columbus. It rhymed Genoa, Noah, and Hispaniola. Amazingly, I did not go directly to college.
• Sometimes when I walk out of a bathroom, I like to point at an imaginary camera & say "To Be Continued…"
• Slut coworker called in sick today, she's suffering from "Idiot whore who JUST posted pics of herself on Facebook drinking beer on the beach"
• My handwriting can best be described as "Aww... To hell with it."
• I don't hunt. I love to eat meat but I couldn't shoot an innocent animal..unless its ugly. If it was ugly, I could shoot it..right in the face
• I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE, SPOOKY AIRBRUSHED VAMPIRE CLOUD DESIGN FROM THE COVER OF THE ORIGINAL 1985 FRIGHT NIGHT VHS CASSETTE TAPE
• 85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave
• Human Behavior Study #1: Scream "Farts are coming out" when farting in public, people will freak out & feel weird that you're admitting it.