If I want to wish you luck, I will. Don't tell me what to do.

• The mama cat keeps naming her newborn kittens Meow. How will you differentiate between them, you idiot cat?!
• I like to shake people's hands and watch them touch their mouths soon after.
• Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
• I'll eat a whole sleeve of Oreos. I don't give a shit.
• Every time I run a half filled dishwasher, I like to think the dishes are pretending they're in the VIP section of an exclusive club.
• The only person more uncomfortable than me on the phone is anyone within earshot of me on the phone.
• I end all conversations with my family the same way, "Bye, I love you, when I die please don't commemorate me on your car's rear window."
• Guys: Do you carry a big knife clipped onto your pocket? You probably don't need to. You can leave it at home.
• Rabbits are super cute and cuddly but they get kind of weird about French kissing.
• I wanted to be an astronaut until the first time I gnawed on some space ice cream.
• At this point the UPS guy thinks I just don't know you're supposed to zip up your fly.
• Winter's finally arrived....I know this because I just had to mentally prepare myself to sit on the toilet seat.
• The work bathroom is the easiest way to share something intimate with people you hate.
• This girl in spin class just took off her pants only to reveal ANOTHER SET OF PANTS what is this the MAGIC GYM
• Can anyone remember why Food Network doesn't have a show where I eat cookies?