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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

If I want to wish you luck, I will. Don't tell me what to do.

  • The mama cat keeps naming her newborn kittens Meow. How will you differentiate between them, you idiot cat?!
  • I like to shake people's hands and watch them touch their mouths soon after.
  • Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
  • I'll eat a whole sleeve of Oreos. I don't give a shit.
  • Every time I run a half filled dishwasher, I like to think the dishes are pretending they're in the VIP section of an exclusive club.
  • The only person more uncomfortable than me on the phone is anyone within earshot of me on the phone.
  • I end all conversations with my family the same way, "Bye, I love you, when I die please don't commemorate me on your car's rear window."
  • Guys: Do you carry a big knife clipped onto your pocket? You probably don't need to. You can leave it at home.
  • Rabbits are super cute and cuddly but they get kind of weird about French kissing.
  • I wanted to be an astronaut until the first time I gnawed on some space ice cream.
  • At this point the UPS guy thinks I just don't know you're supposed to zip up your fly.
  • Winter's finally arrived....I know this because I just had to mentally prepare myself to sit on the toilet seat.
  • The work bathroom is the easiest way to share something intimate with people you hate.
  • This girl in spin class just took off her pants only to reveal ANOTHER SET OF PANTS what is this the MAGIC GYM
  • Can anyone remember why Food Network doesn't have a show where I eat cookies?

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