Go poop.

• "I think I might have a mullet," he whispered into the dark.
• I know Jesus is magical, because he's the only white man to ever come out of the middle east. Also, card tricks. My grandma was catholic so I know this
• Whoever is telling socially inept people that they should be more outgoing, stop it. We were fine nodding at them and looking away.
• A new study claims that the reason women gossip is to protect society (but between us I heard those researchers have serious problems!)
• I hate when people walk so slowly in front of me. It's like, um, excuse me, I'm in a hurry - these feelings aren't going to eat themselves!
• Look, I'll accept that Charles is in charge of my days. But I'll be DAMNED, you hear me? DAMNED if he's in charge of my nights.
• Well, if the city isn't going to install hidden dog launching catapults in the park, then I guess I just have to do everything myself.
• Whatever doesn't kill you might be hepatitis and you should still get it checked out before you get really sick.
• I'm turning over a new leaf! Actually, I'm turning over *all* of the leaves. I'm kinda OCD about that.
• I'd date a guy in his 20's if he was rich and in his 40's and just said he was in his 20's as a joke and wasn't joking about being rich.
• Too bad America's pastime is baseball and not something more fascinating like couples arguing in public and/or birds crapping on people.
• Good luck convincing me that your party will be better than complete isolation.
• I get away with parking poorly by leaving notes on my own car that say things like "I hope the Amish murder you!" and "You're a MONSTER."
• Bad dream. You guys don't all hate me right? You'd text me back if I text you right? And I'd NEVER forget to pack my lipgloss.
• "Teen Mom" is such an adorable name. When I was in high school they were called "The Whore Cheerleader With The  Baby".
• My bag smells like sweets, but there are no sweets in my bag. This is a bag of bullshit!
• What we didn’t hear about was how a teenaged Christopher Robin maintained his street cred by referring to his old buddy as Winnie the Shit.
• If I were suddenly a giraffe, I'd look into a ton of bathroom windows and if I got caught, it'd be fine cause I'm just a curious giraffe now
• This wine is very earthy, with a hint of black pepper and an I'm gonna get wasted finish.
• After an awkward run/walk across the road, I face the cars & sorta shrug; like, "Sorry. I don't know what that was about."
• "I just stung that guy, and now his friend has to pee on him." -Jellyfish, Nature's Assholes
• Courtney's Inner Thoughts UNCUT: If I bought a funnel, I could definitely fill a water gun with urine.
• I'm not saying I'm better than you I'm just saying I found a four loko in my purse