Starting to think I need attention.

• I make the best campfire using only one match and only one log and only one forest.
• Wearing a camouflage suit is like screaming "DON'T LOOK AT ME."
• If you want to leave me a voicemail, just fax it to my beeper.
• Good luck convincing my Dad that Rihanna isn't the cashier at the Wendy's by his house.
• I wish credit card companies would stop sending me letters that say I'm pre-approved and just send me clothes that say "BALLER".
• I love when they have unknown military personnel sing the national anthem because they're a million times more talented than pop stars.
• Apparently, just the right amount of Axe body spray can cover up any smell of success.
• I know it sounds crazybut sometimes I feel like the people on Saved By The Bell can't even hear the advice I'm shouting.
• The fact that Mozart composed his first symphony at the age of 8 is making my son's fart jokes less funny.
• It's a good thing underwear don't know what their purpose is or they'd probably never stop screaming.
• Insist on playing a little game called "Throw Her Down A Flight Of Stairs" & friends will eventually stop asking you to host baby showers.
• "Treat yourself to something nice with the extra 65 cents while me and your ear canal play Russian roulette for 3 months." - generic Q-tips
• A baby at this restaurant just looked me directly in the eyes and then shit herself. I gotta say, I kinda agree with her.
• My constant need for safety doesn't seem to curb my constant ability to screw everything up
• If your story begins with "So basically", it already isn't.
• So annoying when pedestrians cross against the light and I run them over and the line at the car wash is super long.
• I don't want you anymore. Until you want someone else. Then you're mine. Until you want me again. Then I'm distant. But don't go anywhere.
• If you know the secret handshake, Subway has a whole bunch of crazy sandwich toppings you've never even heard of.
• Apparently "in case of fire, break glass" doesn't mean I should break it now, in case a fire breaks out at a later time. VAGUE SIGNAGE.
• I give a mean hug. (I will literally stab you as we're embracing.)
• Heard a guy say that dresses are just a lazy way for girls to look good. Don't worry ladies I killed him. Secret's safe
• I'm just going to pretend everyone who doesn't like me is gonna die at some point this February.
• Maybe you have a double chin because your first chin couldn't afford rent by itself on your fat  face.
• I put a napkin on my drink if I step away from the bar but I write on it "no need to waste a roofie I will probably sleep with you"