Starbucks was closed so I just paid a hobo to throw a raccoon at me.

• Someone should open a chain like Denny's but for food
• Becoming a cop isn't hard. Play Duck Hunt for a week and shove a tree branch up your butt. Congratulations, Officer
• I was sued for malpractice for doling out cootie shots at the park. Apparently a name tag that says "Dr.Boobs" doesn't mean I'm certified.
• Unless you're at the top of my news feed the minute I open Facebook, I have no idea what you've been doing.
• One of my best talents is steering any conversation back to being about me.
• The secret to my superbowl chili recipe is lots of garlic, gunpowder, and a whole puréed football.
• If you love something, let it go. Then prepare to cry for all eternity because you just BLEW IT.
• I think it's nice that our bodies give us a heads up before we poo. They don't have to do that
• I'm getting a teardrop tattoo on my cheek so everyone knows I like romantic comedies
•  Kinda feeling like I could have invented staples.
• I've gotta stop writing "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops" on all of my Valentines Day cards.
• I don't know how Cheetos dust got in my pocket, but I'm sure there's an extremely awesome reason for it.
• Does it make me immature that I just got a recipe for "date nut slices" and I laughed for like 5 minutes?
• Unicorns should use their horns more efficiently like for storing donuts & bagels & stuff
• I would describe my approach to life as "snacks."
• Shouldn't restaurants at least have an option where you can immerse yourself in a bathtub filled with the food of your choosing?
• Maybe the reason the Wicked Witch of the West was so cruel was because she was bitter about never getting to go down a waterslide.