come see my art

Come see my art at painturdreams.weebly

Monday, February 20, 2012

Has Eminem found any new ways to rhyme "I am" with "I am"?

  • If you look up "easily discouraged" in the dictionary-- actually, crap, whatever, just forget it.
  • You say "maternity pants" but I say "pizza pants".
  • I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts.
  • I can break 10 resolutions with just one unspeakable sandwich
  • Sometimes I interrupt a regular relationship with a brief ad from the crazy f'in bitch foundation.
  • Booty calls must have been way more appealing back when they were messages carried on the leg of a screaming falcon.
  • I for one was glad for that Wikipedia blackout. I’d rather people hear my side of the story first.
  • Don’t ever shoplift two live animals that are known enemies.
  • Got kicked out of the feral cat colony for being "stuck up" and "not a cat".
  • Old Navy has this INCREDIBLE deal right now where I never go back to their store and they don’t send me to prison!!
  • With me it's best to combine a safeword with a spray bottle.
  • TWO CHOICES: Hire me for your next D & D game to burst into the room & slobber on/grope all the nerds OR hire me not to.
  • "Silica Gel--DO NOT EAT … you fat a-hole"
  • A horse's tail is like a curtain you can part to reveal a really awful show.
  • In the ER with a dislocated shoulder from ripping too many armpit farts at work
  • I’m your worst nightmare. Assuming your worst nightmare involves a 120-lb lady standing over your bed in wonder woman-pajamas.
  • The secret to curing a “case of the Mondays” is choking out the person who said you have a “case of the Mondays.”
  • What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort
  • He doesn't practice that much these days but Dr. Demento is actually a pretty decent gynecologist.
  • Is it true Madonna got the beat to her new song by ripping out the heart of a live yak?
  • I don’t have Facebook “friends.” I have Facebook “uneasy allies with contingencies in place to take them down in case they go rogue.”
  • I often wonder whether the crazy haired hobo lady in the coffee shop is real or just a vision of myself in the future.
  • One of my shoes is tied significantly tighter than the other. Screw whatever YOUR problems are.
  • I'm VERY busy on Tuesday, February 14th so don't even bother asking me out for that night. Because I'm busy. Super busy so don't even ask.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.