- If you look up "easily discouraged" in the dictionary-- actually, crap, whatever, just forget it.
- You say "maternity pants" but I say "pizza pants".
- I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts.
- I can break 10 resolutions with just one unspeakable sandwich
- Sometimes I interrupt a regular relationship with a brief ad from the crazy f'in bitch foundation.
- Booty calls must have been way more appealing back when they were messages carried on the leg of a screaming falcon.
- I for one was glad for that Wikipedia blackout. I’d rather people hear my side of the story first.
- Don’t ever shoplift two live animals that are known enemies.
- Got kicked out of the feral cat colony for being "stuck up" and "not a cat".
- Old Navy has this INCREDIBLE deal right now where I never go back to their store and they don’t send me to prison!!
- With me it's best to combine a safeword with a spray bottle.
- TWO CHOICES: Hire me for your next D & D game to burst into the room & slobber on/grope all the nerds OR hire me not to.
- "Silica Gel--DO NOT EAT … you fat a-hole"
- A horse's tail is like a curtain you can part to reveal a really awful show.
- In the ER with a dislocated shoulder from ripping too many armpit farts at work
- I’m your worst nightmare. Assuming your worst nightmare involves a 120-lb lady standing over your bed in wonder woman-pajamas.
- The secret to curing a “case of the Mondays” is choking out the person who said you have a “case of the Mondays.”
- What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort
- He doesn't practice that much these days but Dr. Demento is actually a pretty decent gynecologist.
- Is it true Madonna got the beat to her new song by ripping out the heart of a live yak?
- I don’t have Facebook “friends.” I have Facebook “uneasy allies with contingencies in place to take them down in case they go rogue.”
- I often wonder whether the crazy haired hobo lady in the coffee shop is real or just a vision of myself in the future.
- One of my shoes is tied significantly tighter than the other. Screw whatever YOUR problems are.
- I'm VERY busy on Tuesday, February 14th so don't even bother asking me out for that night. Because I'm busy. Super busy so don't even ask.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Has Eminem found any new ways to rhyme "I am" with "I am"?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.