ROOMMATE NEEDED: must be cool with me eating your food on your bed while I watch you sleep.

• When you tell someone to have a good day, take things a step further and follow them around with a puppy cannon until they do.
•  Why tell your co-worker to stop screaming on the phone when you can just stand behind her and stare in silence until she stops?
• I wish I had an awesome nickname like "Crackin Krista" or "McCooley" or "The Hillside Strangler".
• BRB GUYS, I HAVE TO FLIP A COP CAR UPSIDE DOWN AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE
• Two guys were making out really close to me so I figured they wanted me to join them but it turns out they totally didn't :(
• Finished crocheting my yarn umbrella!
• Hanging out at the Applebee's bar, looking impossibly cool in my new Dr. Dre headphones. Don't tell, but they're plugged into my butt!
• As expected, everyone at the beach is feasting their eyes on how hot these Spanx look under my bikini.
• Know what's worse than a hurricane? I spilled queso dip on my bed and my sheets made it taste SO WEIRD.
• "Sometimes I gots to slap my bitches around a little so they remember who they pimp is and learn them hoes some respect."-why I do not drink
• Just bought a matching bra & panty set that I can't wait to show off to the adoring eyes of my beanie babies and of course my fridge.
• "Don't sit around and wait for life to happen, go out a grab a guy by his balls until he agrees to take you out to dinner"
• If a guy says "please stop smelling my hair" does that mean he just asked me out? I bet it does.
• Just spotted some people carrying a giant sub sandwich into a party. What a novel way to invite me!
• If swallowing battery acid mixed with Dr. Pepper doesn't turn you into a wizard, then call me an ambulance.
• I think we can all agree that the worst things on earth are slavery, rape as a weapon of war, children who starve to death, and parades.
• Whoever used my credit card to buy sixteen $0.99 games on a site called big fish games: I really think we can be friends, call me!
• What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. And murder.
• INstead of a tapeworm, I pretend I have a tiny midget living inside me that likes all the same food I do, because ADORABLE!
• My recent purchase of a megaphone has been the single most devastating event my neighborhood has ever had to face.
• I just pooped in the hometown of Ronald Reagan, which is the first step in my plan to become president.
• Did New York just fart?
• I swallowed a Tamagotchi back in '94 and never did see that thing again.
• My personal trainer left me a voicemail telling me to stop trying to roofie his Powerade. So glad he called! Think that means we're dating?
• OH MAN Halloween is over and I'm almost finished knitting the Star of David boobie tassels for my Sexy Anne Frank costume, no it's cool, I already hate myself.
• The produce guy asked me how I was doing, by the time I got to 2nd grade he walked away. Nobody cares anymore.
• So glad I can scare monsters away by simply pulling this blanket over my head!
• What should you do if you accidentally fart in your boss's office? I went with screaming racial slurs & throwing a printer out the window.
• Hey, films: beautiful people don't go on nearly as many adventures as you would have us believe. Cast more uglies
• We should make "nachoboner" a word. Mainly because I have the chance to play it in this game of Scrabble.
• I spelled my name wrong on the check at Red Lobster! I signed "Think I diarrhea'd Unlimited Shrimp all over the ladies room--sorry :("