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Monday, February 20, 2012

I bet there’d be some rest for the wicked if they tried Benadryl

  • Watermelon Jolly Ranchers taste like a hot glue gun.
  • Hmm this cashier says she doesn't like my "aura" but I bet she'll change her mind when the mace wears off.
  • Does anyone really know what to do with their arms?
  • There had to have been at least one guy at NASA who lost $5 when they didn't find dinosaurs on the moon.
  • Someone who didn't know any better might look at sushi and go, "Well I'll be. Booger art."
  • Just a friendly heads up if you ever ride shotgun in my car: I sneeze over there.
  • Next time I see "Just Married" on the back of a car, I'm going to write beneath it "A WHORE!" They'd laugh and live happily ever after.
  • The first guy who flipped off a camera must've gotten in so much trouble.
  • Quite the cocktail of bliss and guilt that's served up after you find a $5 bill on the sidewalk.
  • I feel bad for homeless people. But I think I feel worse for the guy whose only thrill is taking a corner extra fast, alone in his minivan.
  •  IT's' you and me, baby. Us against the world. Unless they have guns. I might sit this one out.
  • There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.
  •  Make sure you guys are shoving the bodies alllll the way down in the dumpster or the fun will be over too soon!
  •  There are a lot of roommate situations on Craigslist I'd never pursue but would gladly pay to watch on a 24-hour live feed.
  • I can eat 3 bags of marshmallows while laying on my futon and not receive any kind of contact from a human person, all at the same time.
  • Do all guinea pigs hate country music and hold dance parties when you leave them alone? I'm no science wizard, but I would say, yes.
  • And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
  • Never assume a woman is pregnant, because "It has to be hard for you walking up these stairs, being such a fat chick" says so much more.
  • When life gets you down just smile and remember that the world is a very dark place so, yeah, your depression is understandable.
  • My Nobel peace prize winning article will be titled: "Cut the crap: People of all ethnicities are equally gross."
  • One can only imagine all the amazing things nature does when we aren't watching. Like wolves straight up back flipping into rivers and shit.
  • Posting some great stuff on Google Plus is like peeing in a dark pair of pants. Oh sure, you feel good, but nobody else knows about it.
  • My new all-natural, no deodorant phase is only really working out for everyone nowhere near me.
  • My real estate career wouldn't last long because every tour would feature a room in which the previous residents were brutally murdered.
  • Hard to write a card for someone going to rehab: "congrats on almost dying but not!" "drinking of you!" "come back different or not at all!"
  • If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

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