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Monday, February 20, 2012

Question For My Crush: Sup?

  • I don't know CPR or the Heimlich maneuver, but if you need to be brought back to life via Disney song, I'm your hero.
  • I'm loving the circles around my eyes today. Like body bags for the people I murdered in my head.
  • I need to drink coffee to make coffee but I can't drink coffee until I make coffee but I can't make coffee until I drink coffee.
  • The battery in my wireless mouse just died. Pray for me.
  • Whenever I receive a piece of actual mail I stare at it blankly for a moment. Then I scream and set it on fire. The past scares me.
  • My hobbies include running up to young girls, saying “I’m YOU, from THE FUTURE. Don't pick the green one! DON'T!" then sprinting away.
  • I'm not allowed to have knives on thanksgiving since I cut myself and threw my blood at my mother in law after she commented on how much gravy I used
  • I don't understand how this milk can be expired when I don't even know what the date is?
  • When I'm losing an argument, I just act real cool, chuckle a little shaking my head, then suddenly take off running
  • Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy spent years in therapy after being stigmatized and harassed by his peers.
  • Pulled up next to a motorcycle guy today. Pointed to his jacket & said, "Your flair is really cute!" Pretty sure I made his day.
  • Who wrote Shakespeare’s plays? = Who pooped Shakespeare’s pants?
  • Scientists are speculating that lakes found on Jupiter’s moon Europa indicate the possibility of extraterrestrial life/jet skiing.
  • They forgot to leave directions in this rental car to the nearest giant fiery death ramp.
  • The camera adds 10 pounds when you step onto the scale holding a camera with a big telephoto lens.
  • I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
  • Did I put a question mark where it wasn't necessary. Yes I did?
  • Unexpected orange rind in this cookie is why I punched you. Because F you and your crap zest.

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