I just put the cat in the bag. Don't tell anyone.

• Seeking a hypnotist who can help me forget the word "sensual" & that I carried a skateboard In junior high even though I couldn't skateboard
• Winter time is just God's way of saying, "Please put on some pants, you're frightening the squirrels."
• Cutting someone into tiny cubes with a mesh of lasers may seem overdramatic, but sometimes it's the only way to let them know how you feel.
• If you think nothing's more addictive than smoking, you've never filled a Hummer with mayonnaise.
• Hey, if you guys have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.
• I'm banned from, like, 14 places.
•  Things can get weird when people think it's okay to just talk to me.
• Is it considered sexting if you just send me regular texts but I have my phone on vibrate in my crotch? Asking for my crotch.
•  I know exactly what people should do
•  I like to think of having someone's phone number as knowing the secret code to a special friendship.
•  Velveta is just food glue for people who can't get enough gross stuff into their mouth at once.(I love velveta!!)
•  FUN FACT: If you plant little bags of cocaine you can grow 1983 corvettes like potatoes
• Let's stop doing shit for a while and see if news goes away.
• Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.
• Sometimes I see a homeless person and I think about them when I am at home and I cry because I have a heart and they dont have cable tv.
• I dunno why I thought you were cool. You don't even know how to use an M40 sniper rifle.
• You can find anything on the Internet, except a single word that disputes that I am the ruler of all creation.
• Spiders are the most amazing, delicate, beautiful things I murder without even thinking about it.
• Maybe it isn't foggy outside. Maybe your eyes are just dirty
• I have no concept of time. If I say "the other day..." it may very well mean 2 years ago.
• Always tell your date you'll see them tomorrow if you go to the bathroom and are planning on using the automatic hand dryer.