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Monday, February 20, 2012

I just put the cat in the bag. Don't tell anyone.

  • Seeking a hypnotist who can help me forget the word "sensual" & that I carried a skateboard In junior high even though I couldn't skateboard
  • Winter time is just God's way of saying, "Please put on some pants, you're frightening the squirrels."
  • Cutting someone into tiny cubes with a mesh of lasers may seem overdramatic, but sometimes it's the only way to let them know how you feel.
  • If you think nothing's more addictive than smoking, you've never filled a Hummer with mayonnaise.
  • Hey, if you guys have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.
  • I'm banned from, like, 14 places.
  •  Things can get weird when people think it's okay to just talk to me.
  • Is it considered sexting if you just send me regular texts but I have my phone on vibrate in my crotch? Asking for my crotch.
  •  I know exactly what people should do
  •  I like to think of having someone's phone number as knowing the secret code to a special friendship.
  •  Velveta is just food glue for people who can't get enough gross stuff into their mouth at once.(I love velveta!!)
  •  FUN FACT: If you plant little bags of cocaine you can grow 1983 corvettes like potatoes
  • Let's stop doing shit for a while and see if news goes away.
  • Two men in ski masks just exited a bank across the street. I don't need Sherlock Holmes to tell me that bank lacks central heating.
  • Sometimes I see a homeless person and I think about them when I am at home and I cry because I have a heart and they dont have cable tv.
  • I dunno why I thought you were cool. You don't even know how to use an M40 sniper rifle.
  • You can find anything on the Internet, except a single word that disputes that I am the ruler of all creation.
  • Spiders are the most amazing, delicate, beautiful things I murder without even thinking about it.
  • Maybe it isn't foggy outside. Maybe your eyes are just dirty
  • I have no concept of time. If I say "the other day..." it may very well mean 2 years ago.
  • Always tell your date you'll see them tomorrow if you go to the bathroom and are planning on using the automatic hand dryer.

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