Dear Diary: Why you never write back, girl?

• If I want something done right, I'm screwed.
• It's sad how I finally poured my heart out to someone special, and all he had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?"
• Going to open a used car dealership & employ only super cute girls who will cry until you buy something

• Wait there was a girl in the notebook are you sure
• Whenever another one of my friends has a baby, I hold it close and whisper "but my kids are older now you ruined everything"
• If you eat some brown chocolate & it taste like shit it might be shit BC shit is brown too- life is tricky sometimes but don't ever give up
•  I only go antiquing for the potential genies.
• I have yet to see one person on House Hunters that I wouldn't murder if they moved in next door to me.
• "Will you take our picture?" is the polite way of saying "You're ugly, now do me a favor."
• How old do you have to be to move into a retirement home can't I just say I'm early or something
• What happens in the basement stays in the basement because I made a huge mess and can't find the keys to the handcuffs.
• They say love is like a roller coaster and I get it. After I see two people in love I totally want to throw up.
• If I ever sprout a penis, the first thing I'll do is write my name in the snow, and then smack everyone I see across the forehead with it.
• Awesome, I just got FDR in my Fantasy Murderball League!!
• I let the water run while I brush my teeth because I resent the pressure not to. (I'm lonely.)
• Sure glad there's no "share with Facebook" button next to my bank account balance
• Nothing says "call me later hot stuff" like the custom business cards I hand out that say Call Me Later Hot Stuff w/ my cell #.
• Dear Chex Mix, Please stop farting in your bags. Forever yours, -K
• I'm getting my hair cut at a place playing late-stage Billy Idol, so I may be on CNN later for arson.