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Monday, February 20, 2012

Product idea: A sports drink that tastes like a flavor

  • When I see a man reading from an iPad, I address him as "Nancy."
  • Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap & called it macaroni. Everyone clapped & said "Good job, bud!" Mr. Doodle was mildly retarded
  • My Dad doesn't like "new fangled food" like hummus. I hate those 3000 year old recipes too.
  • When my face and ass start to sag I'll start reading books or maybe I'll volunteer somewhere but until then it's Sexy City for me!!
  • Take all your favorite things and burn them in a Walmart parking lot. Nobody gives a shit.
  • I've never run a 5K but I have gotten sprayed by two different skunks in one day.
  • I don't drink and I don't do drugs but I do lick whatever drug free thing I can get my tongue on.
  • I keep the heel in the bread bag until the loaf is gone in case a psycho stays at my house and wants to eat it.
  • I want to play a joke on a lady at work, so could everyone in the whole world please start calling Sloppy Joes "Sloppy Lindas"? Thanks.
  • It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.
  • I spend 40% of my time in church thinking of religious-themed breakfast dishes. Thus my current longing for a Monte Christ-o.
  • This floor is wet but there's no wet floor sign. I guess I'll just lay here and inform people of its treachery until it dries.
  •  Put a cone E-collar on my dog, so if he wants to know what his butt smells like he's gonna have to ask.
  • I've been studying palmistry, and according to my hands, I tend to waste my time studying bullshit.
  • It s your face. You ought to get it sorted
  • You could wear a tracksuit comprised of thousands of tiny chameleons and strangers will see your naked body and that would be totally legal.
  •  Take it from me, peanut butter is a perfectly acceptable substitute for hair gel
  • I'd love to quit smoking but the wheezing in my nose kind of sounds like a tiny hawk so I'm torn.
  • “Ok but 3 of you are ugly” say this if a family of 4 asks u to take a picture even if it's not true BC it'll be a good experience for them 
  • My neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his house while he's out of town. I've already texted him "Your house isn't on fire" 42 times.

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