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Monday, February 20, 2012

I typed this with my elbow and it took forever.

  • Want your superstitious friend to suddenly become reasonable? Tell them you think "ghosts" are scientists who've mastered invisibility.
  • "If two fatties sat on top of it, would it hold?" is how I measure sturdiness when purchasing beds, desks, toasters & things of the like.
  • Sometimes I'm tempted to step in dog shit because it looks very soft.
  • Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
  • Nobody's touched my urn full of chicken bones. People wouldn't know a dinner party if it hit them in the face with an urn of chicken bones.
  • I wouldn't say that shit was "Cray," per se. It was more of a minor inconvenience, or a "minay inconvay," if you will. 
  • "Why yes, I did just scratch my butt in a scooping motion. Is there a problem? Look, do you want the Beefy Double Burrito Combo or not?"
  • You can take the princess out of the castle, but you can't take first place in Mario Kart if you're racing against me as Peach.
  • Just heard a guy order a sandwich "with everything, but no Mayo or onion", so I tapped him on the shoulder and asked why he lied first.
  • Forgot my Amazon password. Going to have to marry this Acai berry farmer.
  • Miss Mary Mack, all dressed in black, because she was at her husbands funeral and black is the proper attire for such an event.
  • My abs are sore from considering crunches.
  • I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  • Sorry crazy guy talking to me at Staples but I've been waiting for this fake phone call ALL day.
  • Gnawing off a friendship bracelet you gave someone and having them wake up halfway through is the only true way to end a friendship.
  • Bet this squirrel would hold still if he knew how good he'd look in the tiny skinny jeans I made him.
  • I'm so glad my last name isn't fart
  • If I flung a big knife at some terrifying bad guy and it went in, I'd immediately start clapping, squealing with delight, probably prancing.
  • What will we do if we actually find Bigfoot? We're going to kill it, aren't we?
  • You eat about four spiders a year in your sleep, but the nimble ones come back night after night for your world-famous rimjobs
  • Just sat in the kitchen for 25 minutes literally doing nothing and I heard one of my cats say, "So she's just going to SIT there?"
  • Fill a sleeping bag with snakes and warm homemade jam and climb into your new massage tube.
  • My blood sugar gets low so I always make sure to have a healthy snack to throw at people.
  • Why did I buy the natural peanut butter? I can't stir like that until after I've eaten.
  • I always use an alias at Starbucks when I kill everyone there
  • Got a chess set that's missing some pieces? Shove the pawns up squirrels' asses for all I care! Tiny butt plugs! F them! F you, too!  

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