I typed this with my elbow and it took forever.

• Want your superstitious friend to suddenly become reasonable? Tell them you think "ghosts" are scientists who've mastered invisibility.
• "If two fatties sat on top of it, would it hold?" is how I measure sturdiness when purchasing beds, desks, toasters & things of the like.
• Sometimes I'm tempted to step in dog shit because it looks very soft.
• Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.
• Nobody's touched my urn full of chicken bones. People wouldn't know a dinner party if it hit them in the face with an urn of chicken bones.
• I wouldn't say that shit was "Cray," per se. It was more of a minor inconvenience, or a "minay inconvay," if you will. 
• "Why yes, I did just scratch my butt in a scooping motion. Is there a problem? Look, do you want the Beefy Double Burrito Combo or not?"
• You can take the princess out of the castle, but you can't take first place in Mario Kart if you're racing against me as Peach.
• Just heard a guy order a sandwich "with everything, but no Mayo or onion", so I tapped him on the shoulder and asked why he lied first.
• THERES 3 KIDS IN MY YARD I DON'T HAVE ANY SILVER BULLETS ONE OF THEM HAS AN IPOD THEY ARE ADVANCING GOODBYE
• Forgot my Amazon password. Going to have to marry this Acai berry farmer.
• Miss Mary Mack, all dressed in black, because she was at her husbands funeral and black is the proper attire for such an event.
• My abs are sore from considering crunches.
• I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
• Sorry crazy guy talking to me at Staples but I've been waiting for this fake phone call ALL day.
• Gnawing off a friendship bracelet you gave someone and having them wake up halfway through is the only true way to end a friendship.
• Bet this squirrel would hold still if he knew how good he'd look in the tiny skinny jeans I made him.
• I'm so glad my last name isn't fart
• If I flung a big knife at some terrifying bad guy and it went in, I'd immediately start clapping, squealing with delight, probably prancing.
• What will we do if we actually find Bigfoot? We're going to kill it, aren't we?
• You eat about four spiders a year in your sleep, but the nimble ones come back night after night for your world-famous rimjobs
• Just sat in the kitchen for 25 minutes literally doing nothing and I heard one of my cats say, "So she's just going to SIT there?"
• Fill a sleeping bag with snakes and warm homemade jam and climb into your new massage tube.
• My blood sugar gets low so I always make sure to have a healthy snack to throw at people.
• Why did I buy the natural peanut butter? I can't stir like that until after I've eaten.
• I always use an alias at Starbucks when I kill everyone there
• Got a chess set that's missing some pieces? Shove the pawns up squirrels' asses for all I care! Tiny butt plugs! F them! F you, too!