Today I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. Yes, TODAY. The 12th day of May in the year 1 A.G. (After Ga’Hoole). Yes,THE UNITED STATES. You know, the one with that one state (Colorado, or maybe I am thinking of West Carolina). I believe we can return America to a country with superpower status and supermodel looks (example: add boobs to the Lincoln Memorial, add boobs to all paper money and coins). I believe that we can improve employment rates for infant firemen/Hamburgers. I believe we can replace all things that aren’t guns with guns so that America is literally made out of guns. I believe in guns. I believe in America.
I believe that, in this day and age, it’s only appropriate that I announce my candidacy over the web while sitting at home in my sexiest lounge outfit (jeans + shirt). I believe that, if you vote for me, I will increase the White House’s capacity for sharks from 0 to 44 sharks per room.
I believe that sharks are the poor man’s guns.
I believe that I have what it takes to lead this country. Like JFK, I have two legs. Like FDR, those two legs have polio. It was once rumored that James K. Polk had a middle initial, just like one of my gay uncles. MY middle initial is “guns.” I believe that, just like Taft’s boy-child love-slave, I can speak German. I believe that Marilyn Monroe once sang happy birthday to me in a sultry voice, though many witnesses believe that it wasn’t Marilyn Monroe at all but a homeless pregnant woman named Karenn Jungles.
I believe in Karenn Jungles.
I believe that there are naysayers. Maybe I didn’t have the traditional “presidential upbringing” (private school, bathing). However, there’s more than one way to SKIN A CAT. And FYI, when you have polio, it’s apparently CHEATING if you skin the cat using your crutches that you sharpened to a razor point. Good to know, MOM.
I believe in gun-based two-for-one matricide/cat-ricide.
I believe that America is the future. I love this country more than anyone except for maybe Uncle Sam (one of my gay uncles Samantha). For a country named after America Ferrera, America is pretty great. I bleed red, white, and blue, which is 30% due to my patriotism and 70% due to a severe polio-related blood disorder.
I believe in using guns as bullets in a larger gun.
I believe that whoever carved Mt. Rushmore is gay because how gay is it to put four dudes on one mountain. I believe that a man should be able to marry anyone he chooses, given that the person is a gun. I believe that hands are the poor man’s guns.
I believe that some people might not think I’m up for the job. “You’re too young,” they say. “Too Jewish. Too not not Jewish. Too hungry for meat-based breakfast meats. Too polio-teeming. Too redundant. Too Jewish.” To them, I say: shut up, MOM, how did you get my unlisted number stop leaving me these voicemails and hand-written sexts.
I believe that arms are the poor man’s machine guns.
I believe there is an elephant in the room: the woman-as-president issue. I believe there is another elephant in the room: the real-life elephant in the room, wow, how did it get here it’s wearing jorts and a burka (jurka). It’s true – I am a woman, and have been one for my entire life. My floor-length beard is invisible and I often pee sitting down. I believe in a country with women’s right to choose.
Whether or not she pees sitting down.
I believe in the tooth fairy, because who else would touch my gross baby teeth, that’s just gross.
I believe that bees are tiny tigers.
I believe that guns are the poor man’s bigger guns.
I believe in you, America. Believe in me. Vote Krista May for whatever that thing I’m running for is I forgot wait.
Oh yeah, I REMEMBERED.