Poop is just zombie food

•  I've never left the house for a party and NOT felt like Wednesday Addams...
• Dunkin' Donuts won't deliver even after you call them six times and ask but maybe the seventh time will work BRB.
• If you love someone, set them free. Or marry them and make them your personal whipping post for the rest of your life. Either way.
• If it doesn't show how many times a person farted in that car, then the Carfax report isn't that accurate.
• Dropping my phone on my face while lying in bed is the closest I'll come to being in a Fight Club.
• Making homemade apple pies like your moonshine guzzlin' granny.
• If you're going to park in the middle of my street I just need you to act a little sorry. You don't have to marry me but like, be sorry.
• Look, you can put guides on eyeshadow all you want. I'm still gonna look like I went 2 rounds with Tyson when I try to smoke out my eyes.
• Having a mouth makes it kind of difficult not to eat every snack I can find in your house.
• Sure, I could change the dying batteries in my TV's remote, but then what would test the limits of my sanity for the next week and a half?
• I would rather have my small intestine removed with a pitchfork than pick you up at the airport.
• When a gay Care Bear pukes glittery rainbows through a kaleidoscope made out of douchebags and hair gel, another Ed Hardy shirt is born.
• I can't believe it's 2011 and Hot Topic STILL doesn't have a pharmacy.
• If this guy doesn't stop tailgating me, I'm going to stop in the middle of the freeway and start barbecuing.
• How would I know I wouldn't like my yard filled with baby pigs? I'm not a goddamn mind reader.
• As far as I can tell, the goal of "The Sims" is to gather as many new friends together as you can and then take a big dump in front of them.
• Fall simply can't wait to take you out back and cover you in cardigans.
• Call me old-fashioned but I still appreciate receiving a hand-written letter chiseled in stone.
• It turns out the so-called "Greatest Generation" hasn't embraced sticking your tongue out between two fingers as a sign of peace at church.
• DIAMONDS MAKE YOU LOOK OLD. There, I said it.
• Oh, you're helping people in Tanzania? Well sometimes I don't get to have coffee until 10am...I guess we both know a thing about suffering.
• Having a tough time finding people to help me with my Human Centipede costume this year.... :(

• If your breath is stinky your a skunk whisperer.