I am wearing pants :(

•  Whenever I go to a fancy restaurant when I'm leaving I throw confetti to show them I can be fancy too
• GUESS WHO’S GOING TO BE ON THE JANUARY COVER OF PEOPLE??? Yeah, I don’t know either, but she’s probably attractive or something and whatever.
• Wait. Hold on. So you're telling me you're not using that towel to handle the plate of sizzling fajitas because it's really cold??
• Being a kid with a lazy eye would raise a lot of questions like, "why don't you love me?" or "what do I get a frog for father's day?"
• "You have no one to blame but yourself." - dangerously close to being murdered person
• It's always shocking to me that when I push through not wanting to workout that I don't instantly become a supermodel.
• Pooping in the dark, with the soft glow coming off of my Air Wick  plug-in air freshener, is probably the most romantic thing I do with myself.
• Any room can be a panic room if you suddenly remember middle school
• Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
• I just want to be successful enough to have a lineup of servants that send me off every day. I don't think that's so much to ask.
• "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this shit is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.
• Do you have to get a permit to have a pet monkey or just be able to sneak it out of the zoo & past your family?
• Just learned how to apply a smoky bacon eye I look delicious
• Ok so I dumped the tide powder all over my bed, how long do I wait to hose it down? I gotta go to bed soon.
• I'll rock back on my chair's back legs because I'm a badass who doesn't remember how she fell off her chair 20 minutes ago.
• McDonalds just started their Monopoly game again with an increased 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize/obesity/explosive diarrhea!
• Thinking of bringing a bucket of Coronas to work tomorrow so my co-workers will shut the F up and zone out.
• Oh my favorite part of spin class that's easy its sweating exactly the right way to make it look like I've peed my pants as I leave the gym
• A lot of single women either want a baby or a puppy so I'm launching a new line of vending machines. Lemme know if you wanna be an investor.