Every time a bell rings, I pull the wings off a dove.

•  As far as I'm concerned, Autocorrect can plucking kiss my buttonhole.
• My walk of shame usually involves a lot high fiving of strangers and a drawn out musical number.
• I'm good at taking pics of crazy people in public. I'm bad at turning off the flash & shutter sound while taking pics of crazy people in public.
• "I'll scratch your eyes out if you touch me and it will be adorable." -- Squirrels
• Anybody ever have the wasabi peas from Trader Joe's? Great, right? Any idea on the best way to get one or two out of your nose?
• Hey people that use a Z instead of an S at the end of words. I do that too. WTF is your and/or my problem?
• Call your newborn baby "Henry" if you want him to skip straight to age fifty.
• Can you believe tigers have never used the Internet
• If you want to turn me on, flash me a bag of cookies.
• I can't sleep if my bedroom door is open. Because murderers think "Oh, MAN. Her door's closed. Guess I won't kill her."
• Blues musicians never talk about that time they found fifty bucks and bought pants and a bunch of tacos.
• My name is Rio and I'm dancing on my desk and why's everyone looking at me weird it's Friday lighten up Jesus who called security you jerks
• OH SHIT MY TAMAGOTCHI
• "No, I do not want your affection. I have to run frantically so I can go lay casually on the kitchen floor. Hold me." -Cats/sorority girls
•  I hope I don't die as a result of something terrible like murder or old age.
• Still sore from holding my duck face for 20 minutes because there was a hot guy at the store..
• The guy across the room is so attractive that now I'm trapped in an imaginary slow-motion hug/spin on a beach at sunset.
• Just sitting here at my day job trying not to think about glitter.
• • I don't care if Adele ate Whitney Houston. She sounds amazing.
  • The aging process can be quite lonely, that's why it's important to remind seniors that they're gross and we don't ever want them around us.
  • I would probably be a more intelligent individual if I didn't have all of these Ricky Martin lyrics taking up brain space.
  • If you put your Cheez-It snack mix next to me, say adios to your rice balls!
  • If you live next to potheads & hate the smell of smoke, run into their place with a Chainsaw & cut up their couch. They get so freaked out.
  • Don't be afraid of change! I manically yelled as I beat my coworker with a sock full of nickels.
  • My kids are so self-involved, it's like they don't even care about what I'm going through.
  • I'm about to HAUNT YOUR DICKS OFF. —My suicide note
  • FASHION TIP: Bad hair day? Pull attention away from your head by drawing a penis on your boss's door.
  • Just used a stamp to mail something just like the pilgrams!
  • Do people know we hate them?
  • Don't play Concentration with Samuel L. Jackson. He shoots the board & yells, "I'M SORRY. DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION" when he loses.
  • There's no waiting in line for shitting in your pants.
  • I always help people with the hood of their car up on the side of the road as long as all they need is windshield washer fluid.
  • Look, if I smile at you, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to sleep with you... But it might, so check with me later.
  • Watching couples fight is my Christmas morning.
  • Stop hopping on the cement, grasshopper! Know your place!
  • Hey people who know each other in real life you know you can just text instead of @ replying right I don't care where you're going for lunch
  • I am going to purchase and eat cake now. Unless a cute boy reads this. Then I am off to eat one grain of rice before naked yoga practice.
  • If you can't say a sentence without half the words being "umm" or "like," then I've probably imagined slitting your throat a few times.