Please don't judge me (accurately).

• Blame your toot on a jet pack malfunction, then blast off into the ether where no one can laugh at you.
• I just have a feeling that Mrs. Claus abuses anti-anxiety medication.
• Any deal where you slide me a briefcase full of fries I'm in.
• Possible baby names: 1. Potato 2. Brangelina 3. Brah 4. Expired Parking Meter 5. Fred
• If you put up your inflatable nativity scene while the weather is still nice I'll probably hang out in your inflatable nativity scene
• I think the trix rabbit needs to get laid or something he reminds me of my uncle
• A big shoutout to all the snacks out there we love you!!!
• "Holy shit, are you serious?!" -nineteenth century stalker hearing about today's technology
• Just think about how hard it would be for old people to use walkers if tennis was never invented.
• I don't get angry very easily. Only at something unacceptable, like when someone cuts me off or tries to sing a Coldplay song.
• I've been visiting my friend in the hospital for at LEAST 15 minutes & she hasn't ONCE asked me how I'm doing.
• There are 43 words in the Italian language for "hair gel".
• Once in a while, you'll spot a camel toe so massive, it makes you rethink your whole life.
• I think the natural thing to do if you see a squirrel fall out of a tree is start saving money to get it Lasik surgery.
• Thanks to Bluetooth technology, people think I'm talking on the phone while driving instead of having a fake interview with David Letterman.
• Let's not forget that, while adorable, raccoons will maul your face if you try to put a little detective's hat on them.
•  This bottle of beer is not only delicious, but it also contains 10% of my daily requirement of beer.
•  Just held up my hand to a cat for 3 seconds waiting for it to high five me what fun and quirky thing will I do NEXT
• One of the easiest ways to get someone to stop talking is to drive up to the mountains and push them off a cliff.
• I'd like to see a video montage of me struggling to put money into my wallet when people are waiting for me, to Queen's "Under Pressure."