Dora should just get a gun and shoot that annoying fox in the face

• It is not easy walking around knowing that everyone is horribly jealous of my expansive fleece vest collection.
• When I say your baby looks just like you, what I mean is that you look like a stupid baby.
• Sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but before they can answer shout, "NOBODY CARES!" and run away.
• Is the DJ really in the house? Why do they keep saying the DJ's in the house? I was just inside the house and I didn't see any DJs in there.
• Pizza place just opened right down the street from me BRB forever.
• If you just realized your dress is on backwards, come on over. We'll form a club.
• At first I get sad when my Facebook friend count drops but then I realize they probably just died in a car accident while laughing at one of my posts and then I feel great!
• Just ate a basket of fries but I probably should be carbo-loading before this marathon (there is no marathon).
• Gonna become a cop so I can pull over taco trucks, that's all I'll do. Well, maybe I'll play with the siren & walk like I have confidence.
• Moving the bag of Reeses closer to the couch in anticipation of wanting some but not wanting to get up: List of Why I'm Smart, #47
• If sugar doesn’t make kids hyper, how do you explain the Great Cornholio?
• If someone catches me staring at them, I keep things from getting weird by holding eye contact and aggressively licking my lips.
• If anyone was wondering if I'm dieting, just give my mom a call and she'll tell you all about it within the first 3 mins of your conversation
• MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT JUST GOT BROUGHT UP OVER A MEETING AT WORK RIGHT NOW IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU GUYS
• "McDonald's is good for you" - a McFib 
• I hate 4 things: 1) The sound of doors slamming. 2) People who slam doors. 3) Jazz hands. 4) People who slam doors and do Jazz Hands after.
• Dear diary, Tonight I got a voicemail. They hung up. It was a secret admirer I just know it.