Any of you bitches wanna canoodle?

• I can't walk, text & suck in my gut at the same time, so no, I was not an athlete.
• Do you ever pour a Crystal Light pouch into your water, lose the lid, try to cover the top with your thumb to shake it & kill 3 baby pandas?
• Don't tell me you didn't respond to my text message because you were too busy. You're not the Atlanta International Airport.
• Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, maybe just don't talk to me at all
• It's really convenient how Kevin Bacon will look pretty much the same after he decomposes.
• This cat's looking at me like it wants something. Probably a jet pack.
• Hey nature, good job making flax seeds look like roach babies. Gets me every time.
• Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a meeting is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.
• Misinformed people are the boil on the ass of this planet.
• I just Taco Tuesday'd harder than I've ever Taco Tuesday'd before
• The 2nd amendment says we have the right to Bear Arms, but no surgeon will sew these things on for me. :(
• I always get a good workout in boxing class when I visualize myself trying to refold a neatly folded cashmere sweater at Banana Republic.(I don't goto boxing classes)
• My life can be described as "might as well."
• How come these exercise bikes at the gym have a place to hold my bottle of water but not my bag of chips?
• I think the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" might be about sex. More on this story as it develops.
• It's a party until someone brings French onion dip. Then everyone has to get the F out so I can tear my house apart.
• What do I have to do to get sentenced to house arrest it can't be that hard
• The Internet is down at work. I took my top off and lit a campfire. Coyotes are near. I'll sacrifice Todd from HR. How do you hunt rabbit?
• MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.
• In Jurassic Park they fought velociraptors an a Unix system just to get door locks. The fat lady I just walked in on pooping should use hers
• Tell me how I'm doing! A. Very satisfied B. Average satisfaction C. Below Average satisfaction D. Not at all satisfied