Bitches love candles.

• I'd do anything a panda bear told me to do.
• HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT? DID THE OTHER PERSON'S INSURANCE COMPANY PEE IN YOUR BUTT AND SMACK YOUR GRANDMA? CALL US NOW!
• You should never apologize for your friend's behavior. Especially if your friend is me & I only wanted to touch that girl's hair for a sec.
• Split Ends: That moment where I revert back to hearing only one voice in my head instead of five.
• Life is hard, just like this white thing I found in my hamburger.
• Yams can F right off
• This lady was all like "Krista, you really breed hostility." & I was all like "No no no no no not possible. Plan B'd that shit yesterday."
• Secretly fill a beanbag chair with margarine tonight and give yourself the weird chair you've subconsciously always needed.
• I don't care what you say, eating a huge pickle during a meeting is a power move.
• I'll eat a whole box of Cheez-Its. I don't give a shit.
• We all say we wouldn't let another Holocaust happen, yet here we are in a world where Kid Rock has multiple platinum albums.
• I make the dumbest grammatical errors. Sometimes instead of typing 'knew' I'll type 'new' and instead of typing 'I love you' I type 'Die'.
• I'm not cynical. I just hate cheerful people and I use words to make them feel bad.
• I hope none of you actually sound like the voices I've assigned to your comments n posts
• My friends say making shaving cream sweater vests is wasteful, but they are all just jealous of how good I look.
• Just once I'd like to not jump twice while putting my jeans on.
• Text this free code to your boss now for time off work: FUKUBRO.
• I never think about murdering anything and then flies