Old office women love Diet Coke and tight bras.

• Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.
• If you've got a stalker, be nice and at least buy some comfortable outdoor furniture.
• If ya tell someone to eat shit & die & they don't do it maybe you aren't a persuasive person sorry but maybe you're great listener who knows
• Was going to unsubscribe to Groupon, but I could've sworn I felt the red dot of a rifle scope aimed at my head.
• The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings
• Hope nothing important ever depends on me identifying my own signature.
• My favorite one is the Ghost of Christmas Presents.
• Love thy neighbor for not paying attention while you steal some of thy fries.
• I'd be fun if people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
• I'm breaking the trend of guys naming their cars after women. Let me know if you want to take a ride in Mike sometime.
• If I were a Dr. I would have a hard time keeping patients because I'd just draw cool rocket ships instead of writing actual prescriptions.
• I don't need you to start a foundation or anything but you can feel bad for me that I have to wash my hair everyday.
• The current US debit is above $15 trillion. It would be around $27 trillion if we printed our currency with HP ink.
• I swear if I see ONE more of those "Surprise! It's a LEXUS" ads I'm going to be ill in a bag, then take that bag & fling it at a Lexus.
• Some things are just really hard to hear. Especially if the people at the next table are whispering.
• You can wake up any time, really, and still put one over on me.
• I'm pretty sure those Salvation Army volunteers ring their bell extra hard when I walk by.
• I can watch a movie for like at least 50 or 60 minutes before I realize I've seen it before
• If I was President of the Universe everyone would get one free surgery and a horse. That's it
• I'm still trying to figure out how a guy named Mr. Mcfeely who always talked about his "speedy delivery" was allowed. (Google it, kids)