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Monday, February 20, 2012

I bet I could dance my way out of quicksand.

  • Build all the casinos you want, Native Americans, but it won't make up for the fact that you guys killed all the dinosaurs.
  • I bet dying vultures have lots of awkward moments with their friends.
  • I can't help but think the little gap between my socks and the bottom of my jeans is the only thing stopping me from achieving my goals.
  • I just bought tampons and a garden hose at Starbucks
  • Even if I don't buy it, if I spend more than 3 seconds handling an avocado I have to give it a name. Right, Guactavius?
  • This guy at 7-11's butt just made a noise I think you're only supposed to hear underwater
  • Russian strippers must get pretty tired of having Russian money thrown at them because Russian money is empty Gasoline cans.
  • A prison shower's not that bad, is it? Don't they have a Quiznos in there?
  • I could still be a doctor.
  • Its always good to slam your fist down and yell "I'm a goddamn ideas man!" when adding extra gummy worms to your ice cream.
  • Make your mark on the world, not just a little scratch Cut deep, make it bleed
  • Farts begin appreciating in value the second they leave your butt.
  • If I could meet my younger self, I wouldn't ask it anything. I'd just go with a "hey." The whole thing would be awkward.
  • This power outage is just God telling me to slow down and take a breath and go ahead and kill myself because he hates me.
  • I spend most of the day mad I haven't bought myself a chocolate bar
  • It's beginning to look a lot like Presentsmas!
  • Guns don't kill people, people kill people, but this gun made it so simple and effortless, I still have the energy for killing more!
  • If you are a puppy dog & you are reading this, do you want to come hang out at my house today

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