Just think: right now, your body is cookin' up some poop.

1. The best time to ask me for a favor is when I'm in a hypnotized stupor after I've been watching my laptop screensaver for twenty minutes
2. I'd subscribe to Teen Beat magazine if it was actually about beating the crap out of teens.
3. Yes officer, I took the Merry Christmas flags off his car & beat the shit out of him with them, but wasn't just for me it was for everyone.
4. Disappointed to learn "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure wasn't about a Philly cheese steak.
5. Your "Fun Times" fb photo album doesn't look that fun. It looks like you and some fat chicks had drinks and blew kisses at a camera
6. It's pretty cool how your car makes you totally invisible so you can pick your nose, except for the fact that WE SEE YOU, MORON!
7. I've had no formal Facebook training so I really hope I've been doing it right.
8. Long John Silver's is probably the best place to fill up a diaper.
9. I'll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
10. I want to slip into all of the sweatpants. All of them.
11. Bobbing for apples is fun, unless they're road apples, in which case you have horse poop in your mouth and that's super ewwy.
12. I Don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. I don't answer my phone if I recognize the number. I don't answer my phone.
13. What do I like to do? I like to not like to do things.
14. Both of my feet are asleep... Don't steal any of my shit.
15. Whoever tried to sew leeann rhimes' eyelids shut you got real close but didn't quite finish the job by all means please do
16. We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!
17. I know a guy who took a drunken crap in a pizza box and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not very good at keeping secrets.
18. I'm gonna open up a restaurant called "everything has truffle oil or coconut water in it we win" I'll start counting my millions now