Oh. My brain just said "Not eating cookies is exercise."

• If you say something's "whimsical", you better be 400 years old.
• Guns don't kill people celine dions face kills people
• Is anyone else upset about the fact that I can't even remember the last time I ate a tater tot?!
• Don't buy the cow. Don't even bother to get the milk for free. Just go home and watch milk on the Internet. Life is lonely. Drink up.
• Dead spider in my bathroom. Too scared to touch it so I built tiny table & chairs and now it looks like he's having dinner. Problem solved!
• Apparently the serving size of Frosted Flakes is 3/4 cups, NOT 34 cups. This is terrible terrible news.
• You're only as mature as the sound your shoes make.
• Looking for an intern to follow me around and say "that shit Cray" after everything I say. Unpaid.
• My neighbor sleeps with pen all over his face and needs better locks or a dog or something.
• I'm in Facebook stalking a baby. Her life and outfits seem better than mine.
• No one's surprised to hear I spent most of yesterday all tangled up in a fitted sheet.
• I bet dinosaur children were pretty angry that glitter hadn't been invented back in the middle ages.
• Kate Middleton refused to eat peanut paste so she's probably pregnant because who would refuse a nice peanut paste.
• I may be going to work, but I'm not going to work.
• Have the posture of a cocktail shrimp. Minus the shit vein down my back. Okay, okay, I have the shit vein.
• I took up smoking so I'd have a legitimate reason to lounge on benches and glare at people.
• If you shake the hand of the man that put the ram in the rama lama ding dong, you should probably wash your hand right away because gross.
• I carry a medieval sword with me in case someone I run into decides to tell me about the fight they had with their cell phone provider.