It's all fun and games until the unicorn accidentally impales you.

• Accidentally ran over a dove today. Keep wondering why he didn't avoid my car. Maybe I'm just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father,too bold
• My hair smells like raspberries and rose petals. My breath smells like old cheese and liquid poop.
• Between all of the Spice Girls they have given birth to 1,237 kids.
• Why, yes, my hair IS naturally wicked-witchy.
•  Why would we want to use tax money to get rid of potholes hello there is pot in there
• There should be a second dental assistant who scratches your nose and keeps your hair looking good.
•  I'm wearing brand new shoes, so I'm completely oblivious to anything else going on around me.
• I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 PM on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
• Every time I see a Smart Car parked on my street, I pick it up and throw it on my neighbor's lawn.
• Holla if you miss that Boys II Men guy with the baby brontosaurus teeth.
•  People can be real jerks after I hit them with my car like once.
• Putting a screen protector on my phone is done with the same amount of concentration as the guy cutting the red wire to save the President.
• Nice try, Weather Channel. We all know tornados are caused by ungrateful teenage girls.
• If you told me the cheese puffs I'm eating were poisoned I would probably still keep eating them.
• I got shampoo in my eye then accidentally swallowed some wow I should probably go help Stella get her groove back.
• I wish the giant inflatable gorillas would stop making me buy cars all the time.
•  I wouldn't say I'm "coo coo" for Cocoa Puffs, but I do want to take a bath in them.
• HELP I'M BEING MURDERED. J/K my phone is ringing and it just feels like I'm getting murdered because my childhood was a C-
• The best time to choreograph a dance video in my mind is when anyone talks to me about anything.