Of course I'm out of my mind. It's too crowded in there.

Urinating in your wetsuit to keep warm is not appropriate in the staffroom, apparently

I wonder is 50 cent still in the club..with his bud..waiting for that hug..

If you fart in the woods and there's no one around, is it okay to smell it?

I can sum up my physique in two words: Mayor McCheese

I like to tell people that aren't wearing hats that they're wearing a stupid hat then when they say "I'm not wearing a hat?", I run away.

I'm gonna buy a really good raincoat and just, like, live underwater.

I ain't sayin' I'm a gold digger, but I'm messy And broke, broke. 

The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results.

Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either

It's nice of the city to put in those chirping sounds at crosswalks so that we don't ever have to stop texting.

I don't trust mice. Always sniffing around & rubbing their paws together. Just what are they planning?

Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Christmas party is just birdseed and expired birth control pills.

"Hey look, here's a bunch of shit you don't want" - refrigerators

If I die tonight, put my cremated ashes in hair fiber bottles & trick my balding enemies into spreading my remains on top of their heads

Let's all try to respect each other's personal space when it comes to standing next to me, please.

Lois Lane would probably be terrible at picking out the right suspect in a Police lineup.

If I was a guy and had to do the hokey pokey, no matter what appendage they say, I just whip out my junk & start helicoptering it. People wouldn't like me. :(