Are we still caring about things or can I stop now I'm tired

1. One way to get out of a painfully boring conversation is to light everyone and everything on fire.
2. "Wouldn't have killed my family that Christmas if they were bacon farmers or something cool like that" (future testimonial I bet I'll give)
3. I help the homeless by letting them know they have a little stain on the front of their shirt.
4. I think if you spritz meat with Febreze before you eat it, you're still technically a vegetarian.
5. "I've got the moos like Jagger." - Adam Bovine [Music swells, standing ovation, President Obama carries me off stage on his shoulders.]
6. Now that I can play Sims and Pac-Man on my phone, seeing where I'm going when I'm walking seems such a waste of time.
7. Remember: if you don't spend CRAZY $ on Christmas presents, Jesus will take a big birthday dump on you from his helicopter.
8. If you ever crash one of my family parties, you can find me laying quietly on my aunt's bed underneath everyone's coats
9. Few things are as consistently disappointing as love or getting a reasonable amount of lettuce on a Subway sandwich.
10. If you want to change the subject during a conversation, try shouting "COLESLAW REBELLION!!" and stab a fork into their eye.
11. If I'm good at anything, it's how quickly I can make things about me
12. If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.
13. All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
14. There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.