- One way to get out of a painfully boring conversation is to light everyone and everything on fire.
- "Wouldn't have killed my family that Christmas if they were bacon farmers or something cool like that" (future testimonial I bet I'll give)
- I help the homeless by letting them know they have a little stain on the front of their shirt.
- I think if you spritz meat with Febreze before you eat it, you're still technically a vegetarian.
- "I've got the moos like Jagger." - Adam Bovine [Music swells, standing ovation, President Obama carries me off stage on his shoulders.]
- Now that I can play Sims and Pac-Man on my phone, seeing where I'm going when I'm walking seems such a waste of time.
- Remember: if you don't spend CRAZY $ on Christmas presents, Jesus will take a big birthday dump on you from his helicopter.
- If you ever crash one of my family parties, you can find me laying quietly on my aunt's bed underneath everyone's coats
- Few things are as consistently disappointing as love or getting a reasonable amount of lettuce on a Subway sandwich.
- If you want to change the subject during a conversation, try shouting "COLESLAW REBELLION!!" and stab a fork into their eye.
- If I'm good at anything, it's how quickly I can make things about me
- If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans.
- All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
- There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Posted by Krista at 1:13 PM