I'm bringing sexy back, without a receipt; wish me luck.

• Kinda rude how people don't delete their voicemails after leaving them on my phone.
• I want the Kim Possible ringtone so when I answer the phone I’ll be all “What’s the sitch!” and do backflips and understand naked mole rats.
• It turns out "manscaping" isn't when a goat makes a person take all the blame for something.
• "Nah, I don't feel like it" - you can always say this when you're standing on someone's foot and they ask you to get off of it.
• I asked for a bank statement from my ATM and it just printed a picture of a sad looking cat dying on a pile of dirty nickels.
• I'd never run for president because in 1998 I got so drunk, I puked and peed my pants in a Taco Bell parking lot. Gotta keep that on the DL!
• Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.
• I grate cheese like I'm choking a cousin who owes me money.
• You really can't do better than having me as a stalker.
• Just got some new sheets. I'm gonna sleep the F out of this bed
• Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I'm wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
• Seeing yet another deer crash into a car reminds me that one of us needs to tell all deer that it's time to stop texting.
• I feel like guys with long hair are just kidding about everything.
• Just picked up Shaq's autobiography. 90% of it is pages from the phone book. The rest is photos of him dressed as a cop and a tennis player.
• Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
• Some days I think that I pulled my hair back too tight and that's why my head hurts and people are stupid.
• Assignment: run through the streets yelling muuuurder MUUUURDER with a cockney accent. Now.
• If you tell me to do something. I can look really good pretending to do it.
• It's probably actually made in a kitchen, but I so want to believe my cheesecake was made in a factory.
• The key to having a good relationship is closing your eyes and covering your ears.
• The only reason I test drive cars is to measure the seats fart-absorptiveness.
• The only thing I wear from Victoria's Secret is their sweatpants because my sexy is passive aggressive like that.
• It's A  Butterfinger. If somebody "lays a finger" on it, cool your germaphobe jets and go buy another for $0.79. Jesus Christ.
• Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?
•  Bet that stoner, hippie Muppet chick has had unwanted Muppet sex with Animal. He seems like he doesn't take "no" for an answer.