My hands are as clean as a whistle! (Covered in bacteria!)

• You can always tell I care deeply about someone when I make sure they are not involved in my life in any way whatsoever.
• I hate you iceburg lettuce I hate you & your ass face
• When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
• Making this super awesome dish called "all the shit left in my cabinets in a pot on the stove" have you ever had it
• The only place to park in hell is at Whole Foods.
• I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
• For a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can.
• 12-year-old me would probably have some pretty hurtful things to say if she saw what current me would look like trying to scale a fence.
• I was supposed to go to a wedding this weekend but I decided not to go because it's a wedding
• Love is a warm slingshot and a box of whoppers. And a second-story perch. And a goat named Betty.
• What part of "No" don't you understand? Probably the whole thing I'm guessing. It's a pretty short word. What? You're a squirrel? Sorry…
• Can we gather the world's cannibals and "accidentally" inject them with rabies? I wanna use the 13 guns I bought for the Zombie Apocalypse.
• This time of year I love watching super terrifying scary movies like "Halloween" and "Glitter".
• If you have a ponytail you could be at risk of having a pet snake. Symptoms include: working at blockbuster, saying "brah" and camping.
• Sometimes it's fun to call a local attorney and ask what you should do if you accidentally filled the Grand Canyon with pudding.
• Whatever, just stop washing your face. Nobody's gonna care, and you'll have so much more time to cry alone in the morning.
• My elliptical machine is broken, I took it in to be fixed and it seems my "elliptical machine" has actually been a couch all along.
• I'm sure Vietnam was horrible, but have any of those vets had a flashback to 5th grade laughter every time they trim their bangs?! HAVE THEY
• Adele has been through at least three world wars.
• Until I see an actual hairball, I assume your cat is just cracking up at something I said.
• When people go in for a hug, I say "I prefer money, but ok" and sigh really loud.
• I hate speed bumps that come out of no where that are people.
• Should probably stop shouting "DISH IS AMURICAH WHERE WE KILL ZAMBIES!" every time someone starts talking about zombies.
• According to myself, and I quote, "16% of homeless people originally climbed in a dumpster as a joke on a friend and it just felt right".