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Monday, February 20, 2012
Not enough goddamn recipes containing Mistletoe.
McDonald's is open on Christmas Day in case you want to eat before hanging yourself.
I need to change my Internet filters again. I'm still occasionally seeing opinions I disagree with.
We get it horses you're better than us now stop showing off and sit down for once
They say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. And by "it" they mean poop.
Everything was fine in work today until I found six feet of bubble wrap.
Someone parked their Ford Fiesta on my block. We're all partying super hard because of it.
I shave both of my armpits in the shape of a star so when I'm waving people won't have to wonder if I'm awesome
Midway through a long flight, a fun thing to do is to put on a red wig and scream "KEVIN!"
My dad literally just said, "I like Kelly Clarkson."
A lot of people don't know this, but it was me and my friends that sang the 'Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-HA GOD DAMN!' part of Let Me Clear My Throat.
A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.
Is there a sex position called 'eating cookies' where you kinda have some sex but mostly you just eat cookies?
I don't want ANYTHING for Christmas other than to spend it with family and friends and presents.
Your friends won’t notice in time if you switch his Cocoa Puffs with rabbit shits.
Time travel movies where they don't go back and collect dinosaur eggs for a super brunch aren't realistic.
When I die I want a 21-gun salute. I'm no hero, I just want those pesky family members to stay away from my casket.
Life is like boxing chocolates. Your hands get dirty and you end up eating your opponent until you vomit.
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