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Monday, February 20, 2012

Not enough goddamn recipes containing Mistletoe.

  • McDonald's is open on Christmas Day in case you want to eat before hanging yourself.

  •  I need to change my Internet filters again. I'm still occasionally seeing opinions I disagree with.

  • We get it horses you're better than us now stop showing off and sit down for once

  • They say if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. And by "it" they mean poop.

  • Everything was fine in work today until I found six feet of bubble wrap.

  • Someone parked their Ford Fiesta on my block. We're all partying super hard because of it.

  • I shave both of my armpits in the shape of a star so when I'm waving people won't have to wonder if I'm awesome

  • Midway through a long flight, a fun thing to do is to put on a red wig and scream "KEVIN!"

  • My dad literally just said, "I like Kelly Clarkson."

  • A lot of people don't know this, but it was me and my friends that sang the 'Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-HA GOD DAMN!' part of Let Me Clear My Throat.

  • A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

  • Is there a sex position called 'eating cookies' where you kinda have some sex but mostly you just eat cookies?

  • I don't want ANYTHING for Christmas other than to spend it with family and friends and presents.

  • Your friends won’t notice in time if you switch his Cocoa Puffs with rabbit shits.

  •  Time travel movies where they don't go back and collect dinosaur eggs for a super brunch aren't realistic.

  • When I die I want a 21-gun salute. I'm no hero, I just want those pesky family members to stay away from my casket.

  • Life is like boxing chocolates. Your hands get dirty and you end up eating your opponent until you vomit.

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