Hey guys trust us it's smelly wash it wash it now

• I just had a double espresso, if anyone would like me to do math or move an entire apartment with MY MIND!
• I hate when I'm wearing headphones and I try to lower my voice so I'm not yelling but then nobody can hear me and everyone gets stabbed.
• The most responsible thing I do as an adult is poop before I go anywhere.
• My coworker is out today with "the squirts." Sounds delicious!
• The shower drain at the Kardashians' home must look like an Ewok is stuck in it.
• I'm sexy until I put my mittens on and then I'm do-me-right-now-in-this-zoo-by-the-humping-elephants sexy.
• My friend called this morning to tell me I'm selfish and self-centered and some other shit I didn't hear because I'm so spectacular and hung up.
• Nobody can stop you from strolling around town gripping a butter knife.
• To the person in the audience who claps for too long -- I will find you. And when I do, it's all over.
• I "pay it forward" but it's more like "kill people it forward."
• Tonight I learned that you can love your dog so much and he will eat your shoes because he loves you so much too.
• This might sound racist, but there's no such thing as "too many cookies."
• If I lick my forefinger and thumb and still cant' rifle thru a stack of papers fast enough I'm riding the express train to Panic Attack City
• You can sign your credit card receipts "Stinky Von Muffinfluffer III" if you want to. No one checks that shit.
• My son just put powdered sugar on his bacon. My work here is done.
• We Americans want a small, cute, adorable goveremt.
• If the best way to prevent cancer is mozzarella sticks then I'm good to go.
• Whoever invented neckties was probably a little bit weird.
• A fun thing to do before a first date is start a bridal registry in your names so he'll think it's fate when you point it out to him later.

• It's hard to say goodbye and "Worcestershire sauce"

  • Gonna ignore the lump on my neck until it gets really big like the tumors you see on people in those Discovery Health shows.
  • When something bad happens I'll stand by you and thoughtfully say "Everything happens for a raisin" as I slowly eat raisins.
  • I only ever go places just to eventually leave.
  • My biggest fear is that someone will say "Git-R-Dun" while I'm holding my child. Because I will instinctively swing my baby at their face.
  • The song Careless Whisper was a tad dramatic. Really you're NEVER gonna dance again? Even at a fun bar-mitzvah? I bet you'll dance again.
  • My neighbor's outside but I don't really have time to talk. I'll just dig a tunnel through the floor.
  • It's hard to tell what other people think of you. Especially when your mind-reading attempts fail & you creep them out by staring at them.
  • Poor people sure do a good job of finding money for tattoos
  • Those few minutes after waking up covered in blood are super scary until you realize it's not yours.
  • When I was growing up all my friends' parents were getting divorced but thankfully my mom and TV stayed together.
  • People driving off a collapsed bridge is a small price to pay for my new orange megaphones.
  • The Halloween candy is flirting with me already.
  • I wonder how much I can get for this piece of toast that bears the image of Cameron Diaz.
  • A "jukebox hero" has to be the pussiest kind of hero.
  • :) = a set of balls hanging out in a hammock. Calm down, I didn't wanna tell you that, but I didn't have a choice. Call me w/any questions
  • I be loving the shit out of fall foliage.
  • Wrong number calls are annoying but not nearly as much as right number calls.
  • I don't really like to exercise. To get my heart rate up, I hand my phone to someone else to borrow while I leave the room for 5 minutes.
  • I have this amazing natural ability where I never notice when someone is being passive aggressive with me. I guess this means I win.